To and From

Tonight's Bible Study message has me marinating.

Dear God. Please help me turn to you and away from …

Yo've helped me come so far , I beg you … fill me with your spirit and help me to turn even more towards you. I beg you.

Help me turn towards forgiveness and away from grudge.
Help me turn towards love, away from hate.
towards gentleness, away from wrath/anger.
towards nurturing, away from obliviousness.
towards joy, away from anger. AWAY FROM ANGER.

God. You've done so ugh for me,help me coninue to grow.
I now am able to handle phone calls okay.
I now am able to refrain from hateful emails to Nate.
I now am able to greet nate with mellow instead of wrath.
Glory be to you, God.
Amen.

Today at he zoo , Finn carried a pocket of change with him. And occasionally would hand out a penny, or coin to another person. He wanted to bring them joy. He wanted to be selfless. How much I can learn from that kid. Funny thing: Almost no one took it. They gave him weird looks and refused. It hurt him. He didn't understand why people wouldn't accept his act of kindness. Lesson to ponder: Do i reject his acts of kindness? Or that of others? Do I act as selflessly as him? Do I encourage him to continue this amazing piece of his character?

He also chatted up a stranger kid wearing a ninja turtle shirt. And said "don't tell anyone, but I'm a jedi."I love that kid. It only takes a simple conversation to make someone's whole day.

Danka would walk, and occasionally hug me or Nate. She just craves that touch I just don't give it to her enough.

And my max… fell asleep so soundly on my back in there ergo. I love baby wearing <3 Love feeling his body feeling so comfortable and loved against mine. <3

The Sillies

What a week.

Danika, my girl. This week I said to you "You're adorable". Instead of smile your shy smile, you said "oh mom are you confusing me with max?". No, my love. You are adorable and I don't say it nearly enough. I love you, I adore you. You are my heart.

Finn? Today, silly guy … Poppy was visiting, and in the middle of his conversation you came downstairs with a tampon and asked "Mom? How does this go in your vagina"? HAHAHAH! Bless.

My Max. Today you were nursing as we lay on the bed, and daddy walked in, and layer down with us. You thought it was hilarious to get a mouth full of mommy milk, and then kiss daddy, dribbling a little into his mouth. SO FUNNY! Bless.

This weekend I spent my time sewing photography crafts, and Danika had her first day at girl scout camp. SO FUN! I loved driving you and Ashley up and hearing your conversation, about the things that were most important. My love - you talked about zombies. <3

Today I had my first newborn session in over a YEAR! A year! When I asked before, it was not the right time and i'm so glad. I've grown so much. God, you are so good to me. What did this teach me? Trust. When I'm frustrated nd not happy with what is going on … to trust that God knows what is best, and has a plan for the future. I wonder what a year from now will look like? God, please direct my steps.

I fear, every day, I'm going to loose one of you and you will not know my love, ym heart. My babies, you are my heart. Too often I treat you like a chore, when really, you are my center, the reason I do everything. I am so grateful to be your mommy. God please help me to love my babies more deeply, sincerely. Help me to show them my love and your love. Help me, Lord, to manage my time appropriately. To serve my family out of love. To be content with just sitting, and loving each other. Help me, lord, to make each child feel loved and adored. Help me direct my time and attention to what matters the most.

Thank you, Lord … thank you. Thank you for these kids. Thank you for this life. For my husband who loves when me when shouldn't. And forgiving me for not loving him when I should. Help me Lord, to create a home that loves and adores YOU … that is filled with your peace and love. I know tomorrow is going to be hectic and chaotic, help me to stay centered and focused on your love and peace.

Thank you for your plan - that you know what is best even when I'm begging for something different. Pleas ehlpe guide me to grow my business to a place where it contributes to my family's well being instead of begin a distraction from it.

Thank you lord for your everlasting patience with me. Help me to turn to you for all things. And gently steer me back when I wander away.

bless.

Snuggles

Today, My Finndozer …

Today you came down from your nap and you were cold and you asked for snuggles.

Can i tell you - snuggling with you sweet loves is the best part of my day. Dani, whether it starts with you in the morning, or bed tim snuggles at night. I love being close to you. I love to smell you, touch your skin, be close to you. I treasure those moments, although it's a pain to drag my butt upstairs each night. My loves, please know - you don't have to do great tthigns for your mommy to be proud of you and love oyu. Simply be you. Always.

Danigirl, tonight I watched you at gymnastics. You make me so proud. You are so strong, so determined. You pointed to a picture of competitive gymnasts and said "momma, i want to be like them. I want to be an olympian." I have no doubt, my love… you will do what you put your mind to. And I love that about you.

Thankful…
1) Thankful we can pay for your activities and enjoy watching you excel.
2) Thankful for those sweet snuggles, my cheek against yours.
3) Thankful for being the "best doctor ever" - I love taking care of you guys, even though I probablyact annoyed about it most of the time. I want so badly to be the mom in the article "Mommy, someone needs you".

Danika, Finn and Max...
I love you, always. <3 Mommy <3

You Wont Remember, But I Will

You won't remember the way I stood in the bathroom late that night in labor with you, fearfully and excitedly gazing up at the moon, knowing I was going to bring you into the world soon and whispering to you, "We can do this."

You won't remember the way you looked at me right after you were born, or the way I pulled you up next to my heart and marveled "Hi, baby" in your ear.

You won't remember the way you healed my broken spirit. The way you completed my heart. I was weak before I had you, and you made me whole again.

You won't remember the way I proudly watched you everywhere we went, you were always the most beautiful boy in the room to me.

You won't remember the way you made me laugh with all of the silly things you did. I saw how kind your heart was.

You won't remember the way I would brush the hair off of your forehead and the way you'd look up at me. Without any words, our souls could touch and say everything to each other that words couldn't.

You won't remember the tickle fests we had, and how I always cheated so I could hold you close and cover your salty little face in kisses.

You won't remember all the times I went to bed at night and felt such fear being your mother: Am I doing okay? Have I messed up too many times already? Can I be the kind of mother he needs?

You won't remember the way my heart broke and grew a little bigger each time you passed a milestone, watching the sand fall through the hourglass while feeling overjoyed witnessing you expand and grow.

You won't remember the way I would hold your little feet in my hands, imagining how much bigger than my own feet they will one day grow, and how I will have to let you go.

You won't remember, but I will... and I'll hold these memories in my heart for the both of us.

Weird. I love oyu.

My babies.

Today something really weird happened. Possibly a mini stroke? WHatever it was, it scared me. And I am scared to go to sleep at night. Tongith I took each of your faces in my hands and I said "I love you. Remember that." Please do. I know we have long, tough days. I know I could be a better mom in SO many ways. But I also know you are the breath of my life. You are my everything and I love you more than I could have ever imagined, more than anything in the history of ever. YOU are my I love you. Every single one of you. Don't ever forget that. Even when I'm mad, distracted, yelling, crying, whatever… I. LOVE. YOU. until eternity. There's nothing you could ever do that would keep me from loving you. Ever.

A couple kid-isms from this week:
Ha. I love this kid. Finn was putting his sweater on and asked "Why are there pictures on clothes" …. I said, because it reflects your style, or something you love. He responds with "Ok. Mom. I'm gonna make you a shirt. And I'm gonna put a picture of me on it. Because you love me. And that way you can hug me anytime you want." and THEN he says "And then I'm gonna make a shirt for me. But daddy goes on front because I love him more. You can be on the back." I still love him 

And this … 

Empty Quiver

Another one down.

Poppy came to visit us today - we had lunch and Chikfilet and mutzd around the mall for a bit. Nothing big but he sure loves spending time with you guys! Before his arrival, Danika girl, we fought, again over your room. I don't know why. I don't know why we fight. I adore the heck out of you. You drive me nuts with your refusal and power struggles! But i love you so.

The sheets arrived for Mommy's bed tonight. I'm sad, Dani girl. I've loved snuggling you in your bed. i love how much you love me. I love turning over and being able to wrap my arms around you and kiss your beautiful face and whisper i love oyu.

I read this "mantra" today. "Be the mom you want them to remember." Ouch. What will you remember of me? As of now … anger, yelling, screaming, fighting. Nothing happy or carefree. I need to change this. Because I adore the heck out of you two. I need to be more selfless and loving and nurturing.

Daddy and I went on a date to Empty Quiver. So fun :) I hope you three loves find something that brings you simple bliss, pure joy.

Good night my sweets, I love you so.

January 1, 2015

Happy 2015!

My babies. It is a new year. Today we begin a new adventure! And I can't wait to see what it holds for you beautiful tiny human beings. You have so much ahead of you, so much room to grow, so many adventures await.

On this day, we went to the American Girl Store to see the brand new Grace Thomas being revealed. Dani, you brought Isabelle and Finn you brought Charlie Brown. You each received an apron and we went on a scavenger hunt through the store. Danika you fell more in love with Kit and Mr. Finn, you only wanted to find a boy outfit for Charlie to wear. Max, you just looked adorable in your grey bear hat wrapped around your sweet little cheeks.

Today, I yelled. I got frustrated with crappy attitudes, yet I had one myself. I wasn't nurturing, gracious, gentle, kind or patient. Not a very good example for you. I pray, my babies, that this year i become more of all those words. I want to be a better mommy for you. I want you to feel loved, cherished, adored, nurtured. I want you to know you are my everything. EVERYTHING. You three are the reason I breathe, the reason I do every thing I do. For you, I pray that you, my sweet lovies, will in turn become more like Jesus in all ways … gentle, kind, patient, loving, gracious, forgiving, wise. I fail every single day in how I model Jesus for you. That has to change.

From Jesus Calling:
"Know that your journey involves being transformed by the renewing of your mind."
Dear Jesus,
Please help me to be open to your ways, be wiling to discard my old ways and become more like you. Every single day. Help me to display your love, forgiveness, patience and graciousness as I display these towards my own children, and others. Help me to live in the spirit of love, not of anger or hatred.
Abolish any evil that resides in my house, Lord … send it away, in the name of Jesus. Open my heart, my mind to your ways. Help me lead my children towards you in all things. In Jesus name, Amen.