My Danika, Finn and Max ...
God can only tell you how much I love each one of you. My heart is hurting so badly right now. I look at you and all I can see is my failure. Please don't misunderstand - when I say failure, in no way do I mean YOU. I mean that I see how many missed opportunities I gave up ... you need so badly for me to be happy, energetic, fun, lively, silly. And I'm not. And I don't know why. It hurts my heart to think that your memory of me will be that of a grouchy, yelling mommy. I don't ever want you to believe that I don't love, or like you.
My Danika, your beautiful ballet twirls, leaps and bounds make my heart soar! You have such a zest for life! Your little giggle makes my heart smile inside, even though it might not show on my lips. Your quest and thirst for knowledge is just contagious <3 you have so many questions about the world, and I want so badly to be the one to find all the answers for you. You want to know why people are mean, unkind, hurtful - probably including your mommy :( I am so sorry that I am crushing your little spirit. It breaks my heart, even mores because I don't know how to stop it.
My Finn, oh my Finn. You sweet little boy. Your gentle loving heart soothes mine. Your two kisses and a hug can make any sad heart turn into a smile. I love your snuggles after nap time, when you're just waking up. Today you told me that we have matching brown eyes, something I don't think your sister has noticed yet. Your hugs and sensitivity makes my heart melt, as I hope this never goes away. I am getting more and more lenient with spankings and punishments for you and it breaks my heart because I know that is too extreme for you. I am ruining our relationship one day at a time and once again, i don't know how to stop it.
My Max ... oh sweet little boy who I have yet to meet ... how your little kicks and nudges make me smile! I sit for a few hours each night crocheting your blanket and can only imagine wrapping you up in it! Ihave to make a tough decision of whether or not to start zoloft again. I so desperately do not want to, and so desperately fear what might happen to you if I do. Oh dear God, please help me.
I love you three so incredibly much and I know that I fail you in showing you my love on a daily basis. You are my heart and soul, my living breath. I would move heaven and earth to do anything for you. I love you so, so, so much.
Forever, Your momma <3
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Friday, March 15, 2013
That Look :(
My Finn ,
Today was one of our first "bad" days and I am awake at 1:30am reeling in my own guilt. I screamed. ALL DAY. today. I spanked you. ALOT. My last straw was when you threw a piece of chalk. I grabbed your little face and I SCREAMED in it.
Oh Finn, the look on your face. The look of sadness, of disappointment in me and yourself. I will never forget your "ohhhh :*( " response. Oh how it broke my heart, because I broke yours. I don't EVER want to repeat that.
My Finn, you are the most kind hearted gentle little boy in the entire world, and I am destroying your little spirit. God, you have GOT to take this anger away - PLEASE! PLEEEEASE! I am begging you. I am destroying my kids, and my relationship with them. And Iam watching myself do it in slow motion. PLEASE take my anger away. Give me back my joy and peace. Help me to enjoy being a mother and treasure these sweet little faces and hearts. Help me to teach them how to love you. I cannot keep doing this to my kids and myself. I AM BEGGING YOU GOD! PLEASE! LISTEN AND HELP ME! PLEAAAASE!
Today was one of our first "bad" days and I am awake at 1:30am reeling in my own guilt. I screamed. ALL DAY. today. I spanked you. ALOT. My last straw was when you threw a piece of chalk. I grabbed your little face and I SCREAMED in it.
Oh Finn, the look on your face. The look of sadness, of disappointment in me and yourself. I will never forget your "ohhhh :*( " response. Oh how it broke my heart, because I broke yours. I don't EVER want to repeat that.
My Finn, you are the most kind hearted gentle little boy in the entire world, and I am destroying your little spirit. God, you have GOT to take this anger away - PLEASE! PLEEEEASE! I am begging you. I am destroying my kids, and my relationship with them. And Iam watching myself do it in slow motion. PLEASE take my anger away. Give me back my joy and peace. Help me to enjoy being a mother and treasure these sweet little faces and hearts. Help me to teach them how to love you. I cannot keep doing this to my kids and myself. I AM BEGGING YOU GOD! PLEASE! LISTEN AND HELP ME! PLEAAAASE!
Monday, March 11, 2013
"Beam"ing
My little Danika <3
Today. Today was a big day for you. On Friday I got an email saying your gymnastics teacher left, and was being replaced with "Coach Chad". My heart sunk, because I knew you woldnt want to go. I changed your class to another female instructor.
But all day on Monday, I was emailing Cece's mom, who told me Cece was going to be at class. While I was at a dr appt, daddy talked to you, and you decided to try to go to gymnastics, even though the teacher was a boy. You were so brave!
We got to gymnastics and as always you were amazing. But, just as daddy was telling me how good you are at the beam, you slipped and fell. i gasped, and though you stood up with a smile, I could see tears in your eyes. You were trying so hard to be brave and proud. You ran over to me, smiling the whole way, but I could see the embarrassment and pain in your eyes. You threw your arms around me and cried and cried. But Dnaika, the amazing part about today, was that you kept going. After you cried, you smiled at me and I asked if you would be willing to try again. You smiled and said yes <3 I cannot tell you how proud of you I am. You are such a strong, brave little girl. You will go so far in your life.
I am so grateful I was there to watch you. I'm thankful that you trusted me enough to be your place to cry. Im thankful I got to see you fall, and that I got to se you muster up the courage to try again. I cannot tell you how much my heart swells with love and pride for you as I write this. I am so in love with you, my daughter. You are simply amazing. And Im so grateful to be your mommy.
Today. Today was a big day for you. On Friday I got an email saying your gymnastics teacher left, and was being replaced with "Coach Chad". My heart sunk, because I knew you woldnt want to go. I changed your class to another female instructor.
But all day on Monday, I was emailing Cece's mom, who told me Cece was going to be at class. While I was at a dr appt, daddy talked to you, and you decided to try to go to gymnastics, even though the teacher was a boy. You were so brave!
We got to gymnastics and as always you were amazing. But, just as daddy was telling me how good you are at the beam, you slipped and fell. i gasped, and though you stood up with a smile, I could see tears in your eyes. You were trying so hard to be brave and proud. You ran over to me, smiling the whole way, but I could see the embarrassment and pain in your eyes. You threw your arms around me and cried and cried. But Dnaika, the amazing part about today, was that you kept going. After you cried, you smiled at me and I asked if you would be willing to try again. You smiled and said yes <3 I cannot tell you how proud of you I am. You are such a strong, brave little girl. You will go so far in your life.
I am so grateful I was there to watch you. I'm thankful that you trusted me enough to be your place to cry. Im thankful I got to see you fall, and that I got to se you muster up the courage to try again. I cannot tell you how much my heart swells with love and pride for you as I write this. I am so in love with you, my daughter. You are simply amazing. And Im so grateful to be your mommy.
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