My sweet babies ...
This has been a really rough week for us - we've had many fights, many struggles, many tears for all 3 of us.
I had a fear tonight that God forbid anything should happen to me, that this is how you will remember us. I fear you will remember me as angry, tired, grouchy, grumpy, mean. When I yell at you, I see fear in your eyes and I hate it. I hate it. Because I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you, ever. ever ever ever. And I fear that that is what you will remember. A mommy ou are afraid of.
Finn, last night you woke up in a soaking wet bed, bawling. I felt for the first time in a long time, like a good mommy when I gave you a snack, and pulled you out of bed, loved on you, gave you clean sheets, a fresh diaper, and then kissed your Mcqueen-covered booboo on your toe. You gave me the best hugs and kisses! It was perfect. THAT is what i want you to remember - a mommy who loves and nurtures you. Your mommy, little finn, loves you more than life itself. You are my smile in my tears, my gentle reminder of just how sweet life is.
Danika I see your little eyes searching for acceptance from me. I hate that you doubt it. I want you to know every day of your little life that your mommy loves and adores everything about you, even your stubbornness, and strong will. You- my love - are the light of my life ... my sunshine, my rainbow, my smile.
My little Max, God forbid there be a day when I don't get to hold you. From day 1 I can feel just how special you are, and how incredibly blessed that you get to be a part of our family. I love you, so much, and can't wait to meet you.
My babies - I may not be able to show it in the right ways right now, but you are my my heart and soul, my smile, my tears, ym pride, my joy, my strength, my everything. I love you love fou love you and cannot ever show you just how much. I am yours forever and ever and ever.
Love mommy <3
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Friday, April 12, 2013
Bumpity Bump
What a very special moment you, daddy and mommy shared tonight Danika!
I layer down in bed because Mr. Max was moving like crazy in my belly. You placed your hand on my belly and waited patiently. All of a sudden, a wave crossed my belly - Danika girl - your little eyes lit up like stars in the sky and sparkled with magic! It was the most precious moment! I wish I could've captured it on camera, video or simply stored your magic in a bottle for the rest of my life. So incredibly special. After he stopped moving, you read him Goodnight Moon for the first time.
You, my little love, are going to be an amazing big sister to Max and a big helper to mommy! I can't wait for you to love on him, hold him, kiss his little head <3 FInn, my sweet boy - your "awwwwwww, so cute" will melt my heart forever and ever! Im so proud of you both and can't wait to watch you grow into your new roles as Max's big sister and brother!
Love forever, Mama!
I layer down in bed because Mr. Max was moving like crazy in my belly. You placed your hand on my belly and waited patiently. All of a sudden, a wave crossed my belly - Danika girl - your little eyes lit up like stars in the sky and sparkled with magic! It was the most precious moment! I wish I could've captured it on camera, video or simply stored your magic in a bottle for the rest of my life. So incredibly special. After he stopped moving, you read him Goodnight Moon for the first time.
You, my little love, are going to be an amazing big sister to Max and a big helper to mommy! I can't wait for you to love on him, hold him, kiss his little head <3 FInn, my sweet boy - your "awwwwwww, so cute" will melt my heart forever and ever! Im so proud of you both and can't wait to watch you grow into your new roles as Max's big sister and brother!
Love forever, Mama!
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Failure
My Danika, Finn and Max ...
God can only tell you how much I love each one of you. My heart is hurting so badly right now. I look at you and all I can see is my failure. Please don't misunderstand - when I say failure, in no way do I mean YOU. I mean that I see how many missed opportunities I gave up ... you need so badly for me to be happy, energetic, fun, lively, silly. And I'm not. And I don't know why. It hurts my heart to think that your memory of me will be that of a grouchy, yelling mommy. I don't ever want you to believe that I don't love, or like you.
My Danika, your beautiful ballet twirls, leaps and bounds make my heart soar! You have such a zest for life! Your little giggle makes my heart smile inside, even though it might not show on my lips. Your quest and thirst for knowledge is just contagious <3 you have so many questions about the world, and I want so badly to be the one to find all the answers for you. You want to know why people are mean, unkind, hurtful - probably including your mommy :( I am so sorry that I am crushing your little spirit. It breaks my heart, even mores because I don't know how to stop it.
My Finn, oh my Finn. You sweet little boy. Your gentle loving heart soothes mine. Your two kisses and a hug can make any sad heart turn into a smile. I love your snuggles after nap time, when you're just waking up. Today you told me that we have matching brown eyes, something I don't think your sister has noticed yet. Your hugs and sensitivity makes my heart melt, as I hope this never goes away. I am getting more and more lenient with spankings and punishments for you and it breaks my heart because I know that is too extreme for you. I am ruining our relationship one day at a time and once again, i don't know how to stop it.
My Max ... oh sweet little boy who I have yet to meet ... how your little kicks and nudges make me smile! I sit for a few hours each night crocheting your blanket and can only imagine wrapping you up in it! Ihave to make a tough decision of whether or not to start zoloft again. I so desperately do not want to, and so desperately fear what might happen to you if I do. Oh dear God, please help me.
I love you three so incredibly much and I know that I fail you in showing you my love on a daily basis. You are my heart and soul, my living breath. I would move heaven and earth to do anything for you. I love you so, so, so much.
Forever, Your momma <3
God can only tell you how much I love each one of you. My heart is hurting so badly right now. I look at you and all I can see is my failure. Please don't misunderstand - when I say failure, in no way do I mean YOU. I mean that I see how many missed opportunities I gave up ... you need so badly for me to be happy, energetic, fun, lively, silly. And I'm not. And I don't know why. It hurts my heart to think that your memory of me will be that of a grouchy, yelling mommy. I don't ever want you to believe that I don't love, or like you.
My Danika, your beautiful ballet twirls, leaps and bounds make my heart soar! You have such a zest for life! Your little giggle makes my heart smile inside, even though it might not show on my lips. Your quest and thirst for knowledge is just contagious <3 you have so many questions about the world, and I want so badly to be the one to find all the answers for you. You want to know why people are mean, unkind, hurtful - probably including your mommy :( I am so sorry that I am crushing your little spirit. It breaks my heart, even mores because I don't know how to stop it.
My Finn, oh my Finn. You sweet little boy. Your gentle loving heart soothes mine. Your two kisses and a hug can make any sad heart turn into a smile. I love your snuggles after nap time, when you're just waking up. Today you told me that we have matching brown eyes, something I don't think your sister has noticed yet. Your hugs and sensitivity makes my heart melt, as I hope this never goes away. I am getting more and more lenient with spankings and punishments for you and it breaks my heart because I know that is too extreme for you. I am ruining our relationship one day at a time and once again, i don't know how to stop it.
My Max ... oh sweet little boy who I have yet to meet ... how your little kicks and nudges make me smile! I sit for a few hours each night crocheting your blanket and can only imagine wrapping you up in it! Ihave to make a tough decision of whether or not to start zoloft again. I so desperately do not want to, and so desperately fear what might happen to you if I do. Oh dear God, please help me.
I love you three so incredibly much and I know that I fail you in showing you my love on a daily basis. You are my heart and soul, my living breath. I would move heaven and earth to do anything for you. I love you so, so, so much.
Forever, Your momma <3
Friday, March 15, 2013
That Look :(
My Finn ,
Today was one of our first "bad" days and I am awake at 1:30am reeling in my own guilt. I screamed. ALL DAY. today. I spanked you. ALOT. My last straw was when you threw a piece of chalk. I grabbed your little face and I SCREAMED in it.
Oh Finn, the look on your face. The look of sadness, of disappointment in me and yourself. I will never forget your "ohhhh :*( " response. Oh how it broke my heart, because I broke yours. I don't EVER want to repeat that.
My Finn, you are the most kind hearted gentle little boy in the entire world, and I am destroying your little spirit. God, you have GOT to take this anger away - PLEASE! PLEEEEASE! I am begging you. I am destroying my kids, and my relationship with them. And Iam watching myself do it in slow motion. PLEASE take my anger away. Give me back my joy and peace. Help me to enjoy being a mother and treasure these sweet little faces and hearts. Help me to teach them how to love you. I cannot keep doing this to my kids and myself. I AM BEGGING YOU GOD! PLEASE! LISTEN AND HELP ME! PLEAAAASE!
Today was one of our first "bad" days and I am awake at 1:30am reeling in my own guilt. I screamed. ALL DAY. today. I spanked you. ALOT. My last straw was when you threw a piece of chalk. I grabbed your little face and I SCREAMED in it.
Oh Finn, the look on your face. The look of sadness, of disappointment in me and yourself. I will never forget your "ohhhh :*( " response. Oh how it broke my heart, because I broke yours. I don't EVER want to repeat that.
My Finn, you are the most kind hearted gentle little boy in the entire world, and I am destroying your little spirit. God, you have GOT to take this anger away - PLEASE! PLEEEEASE! I am begging you. I am destroying my kids, and my relationship with them. And Iam watching myself do it in slow motion. PLEASE take my anger away. Give me back my joy and peace. Help me to enjoy being a mother and treasure these sweet little faces and hearts. Help me to teach them how to love you. I cannot keep doing this to my kids and myself. I AM BEGGING YOU GOD! PLEASE! LISTEN AND HELP ME! PLEAAAASE!
Monday, March 11, 2013
"Beam"ing
My little Danika <3
Today. Today was a big day for you. On Friday I got an email saying your gymnastics teacher left, and was being replaced with "Coach Chad". My heart sunk, because I knew you woldnt want to go. I changed your class to another female instructor.
But all day on Monday, I was emailing Cece's mom, who told me Cece was going to be at class. While I was at a dr appt, daddy talked to you, and you decided to try to go to gymnastics, even though the teacher was a boy. You were so brave!
We got to gymnastics and as always you were amazing. But, just as daddy was telling me how good you are at the beam, you slipped and fell. i gasped, and though you stood up with a smile, I could see tears in your eyes. You were trying so hard to be brave and proud. You ran over to me, smiling the whole way, but I could see the embarrassment and pain in your eyes. You threw your arms around me and cried and cried. But Dnaika, the amazing part about today, was that you kept going. After you cried, you smiled at me and I asked if you would be willing to try again. You smiled and said yes <3 I cannot tell you how proud of you I am. You are such a strong, brave little girl. You will go so far in your life.
I am so grateful I was there to watch you. I'm thankful that you trusted me enough to be your place to cry. Im thankful I got to see you fall, and that I got to se you muster up the courage to try again. I cannot tell you how much my heart swells with love and pride for you as I write this. I am so in love with you, my daughter. You are simply amazing. And Im so grateful to be your mommy.
Today. Today was a big day for you. On Friday I got an email saying your gymnastics teacher left, and was being replaced with "Coach Chad". My heart sunk, because I knew you woldnt want to go. I changed your class to another female instructor.
But all day on Monday, I was emailing Cece's mom, who told me Cece was going to be at class. While I was at a dr appt, daddy talked to you, and you decided to try to go to gymnastics, even though the teacher was a boy. You were so brave!
We got to gymnastics and as always you were amazing. But, just as daddy was telling me how good you are at the beam, you slipped and fell. i gasped, and though you stood up with a smile, I could see tears in your eyes. You were trying so hard to be brave and proud. You ran over to me, smiling the whole way, but I could see the embarrassment and pain in your eyes. You threw your arms around me and cried and cried. But Dnaika, the amazing part about today, was that you kept going. After you cried, you smiled at me and I asked if you would be willing to try again. You smiled and said yes <3 I cannot tell you how proud of you I am. You are such a strong, brave little girl. You will go so far in your life.
I am so grateful I was there to watch you. I'm thankful that you trusted me enough to be your place to cry. Im thankful I got to see you fall, and that I got to se you muster up the courage to try again. I cannot tell you how much my heart swells with love and pride for you as I write this. I am so in love with you, my daughter. You are simply amazing. And Im so grateful to be your mommy.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Nightmares ... I love you
My sweet babies ...
Oh my word, its 2:15 am and I'm wide awake and crying my eyes out. I had yet another nightmare. Tonight I dreamt that I had died. I dreamt that I had died and Jesus was walking me to heaven. But first, he took me to you. He let me see you, touch you, talk to you, hug you, kiss your sweet little face. You oculdnt see or hear me, or feel me. But I could you. It was the most excruciating moment, knowing I had to let you go forever.
In that moment, all I could do is regret every lost moment with you. I felt the regret of every angry word I had spoken, every mean word I ever said to you. I recounted the many times I had yelled at you, and seen your fallen face.
My danika and Finn ... please know this. You are perfect (not truly, as we know God is only perfect). but in my eyes, you are PERFECT. You are two amazingly beautiful wonderful little people with the most amazing hearts. You are kind, and funny, and gentle, and loving. You are thoughtful and silly, and generous. You two could not ever make a mommy more proud.
You HAVE to know that my anger is not caused by YOU. I am not angry with YOU. My anger is coming from somewhere deep deep deep inside, and you poor little people happen to get he brunt of it. I don't know hwy. You HAVE to know i'm trying to do better! you HAVE to know how much I deeply love you more than anything in the entire world. I am so proud of you, so proud of everything you will be, everything you have been. Im amazed at your strength and willingness to love and forgive me, despite my flaws.
Danika and Finn. When I felt like I was touching and seeing your face for the last time, my soul died a little bit. You are my every breath, my will to live, you are my joy, my laughter, my tears. You are my everything and I hope that you know that I will love you with every inch of my being for eternity.
Love you,
Mommy
Oh my word, its 2:15 am and I'm wide awake and crying my eyes out. I had yet another nightmare. Tonight I dreamt that I had died. I dreamt that I had died and Jesus was walking me to heaven. But first, he took me to you. He let me see you, touch you, talk to you, hug you, kiss your sweet little face. You oculdnt see or hear me, or feel me. But I could you. It was the most excruciating moment, knowing I had to let you go forever.
In that moment, all I could do is regret every lost moment with you. I felt the regret of every angry word I had spoken, every mean word I ever said to you. I recounted the many times I had yelled at you, and seen your fallen face.
My danika and Finn ... please know this. You are perfect (not truly, as we know God is only perfect). but in my eyes, you are PERFECT. You are two amazingly beautiful wonderful little people with the most amazing hearts. You are kind, and funny, and gentle, and loving. You are thoughtful and silly, and generous. You two could not ever make a mommy more proud.
You HAVE to know that my anger is not caused by YOU. I am not angry with YOU. My anger is coming from somewhere deep deep deep inside, and you poor little people happen to get he brunt of it. I don't know hwy. You HAVE to know i'm trying to do better! you HAVE to know how much I deeply love you more than anything in the entire world. I am so proud of you, so proud of everything you will be, everything you have been. Im amazed at your strength and willingness to love and forgive me, despite my flaws.
Danika and Finn. When I felt like I was touching and seeing your face for the last time, my soul died a little bit. You are my every breath, my will to live, you are my joy, my laughter, my tears. You are my everything and I hope that you know that I will love you with every inch of my being for eternity.
Love you,
Mommy
Monday, February 4, 2013
Getting to Know You: 1
My sweet babies ...
Sometimes it is hard to let the people you love into your life. Life is so busy, that sometimes we simply forget to just sit down and talk. As your mommy, I am so blessed to watch you grow and develop into the person you will become. I get to watch your little quirks develop, and its such a treat! But you rarely get to see mine! I came across an idea of 30 topics to share with you.... the first journaling topic is to write 20 random facts about me. Here we go.
1. My right foot is slightly larger than my left.
2. I rarely use my left eye to see.
3. I love, love, love country music. Especially blue grass. That comes from Poppy's heritage.
4. I "ran" a marathon. But I walked for about 1/3-1/2 of it. And that was ok.
5. Three words. Black forest trifle.
6. I love to learn. I would love to be a forever student.
7. My first "airplane" ride was at 4 hours old, on my way for heart surgery.
8. I never excelled (or was even good in any definition) at sports, but I still loved to play.
9. I wanted to be a mommy my whole life. THough it may not seem like an amazing goal, I lived for the day when I could hold each of you in my arms, and watch you grow up.
10. Aunt Victoria had to teach me how to match my clothes in 4th grade. I never cared then, I rarely do now.
11. I loved ballet, but quit when my sisters started because I wanted to have something of my "own".
12. My favorite place to be is sipping on a cup of hot tea, reading a book in a bookstore. There is something incredibly powerful in being surrounded by written word.
13. Most of my life, as a military child, I was in the minority. Its ok to stand out in the crowd.
14. I won the spelling bee in 2nd grade. It was my proudest moment as a child.
15. I refused to let any male doctors touch me until I was 6. I was terrified of men.
16. One of my favorite places is on the farms/country of North Carolina. THere is something really special about that place.
17. I've lived on both shores of the Atlantic and Pacific Ocean. Ive tasted the sea water and felt the sand beneath my toes.
18. I didn't earn my driver's license until I was 21. I was terrified of being in control of a machine that could kill someone if I made a mistake.
19. I would like to publish a children's book one day. I've had that dream since I was less than 5.
20. I met Jesus when I was 17 years old. January 28, 2000. In the parking lot of my high school. My brother had a snowboard accident that left him with little chance for survival. I saw him before his MRI, hooked up to every wire possible. I felt the presence of God then. 2 days later, I sat in my friend (Lori Lester Brown) car and prayed for Jesus to come into my lfe. I didn't know what that meant then. But I felt an overwhelming dizzying feeling that truly left me breathless. Nothing radical in my life changed other than knowing that everything had changed, even though I didn't know what that would mean.
To be continued...
Sometimes it is hard to let the people you love into your life. Life is so busy, that sometimes we simply forget to just sit down and talk. As your mommy, I am so blessed to watch you grow and develop into the person you will become. I get to watch your little quirks develop, and its such a treat! But you rarely get to see mine! I came across an idea of 30 topics to share with you.... the first journaling topic is to write 20 random facts about me. Here we go.
1. My right foot is slightly larger than my left.
2. I rarely use my left eye to see.
3. I love, love, love country music. Especially blue grass. That comes from Poppy's heritage.
4. I "ran" a marathon. But I walked for about 1/3-1/2 of it. And that was ok.
5. Three words. Black forest trifle.
6. I love to learn. I would love to be a forever student.
7. My first "airplane" ride was at 4 hours old, on my way for heart surgery.
8. I never excelled (or was even good in any definition) at sports, but I still loved to play.
9. I wanted to be a mommy my whole life. THough it may not seem like an amazing goal, I lived for the day when I could hold each of you in my arms, and watch you grow up.
10. Aunt Victoria had to teach me how to match my clothes in 4th grade. I never cared then, I rarely do now.
11. I loved ballet, but quit when my sisters started because I wanted to have something of my "own".
12. My favorite place to be is sipping on a cup of hot tea, reading a book in a bookstore. There is something incredibly powerful in being surrounded by written word.
13. Most of my life, as a military child, I was in the minority. Its ok to stand out in the crowd.
14. I won the spelling bee in 2nd grade. It was my proudest moment as a child.
15. I refused to let any male doctors touch me until I was 6. I was terrified of men.
16. One of my favorite places is on the farms/country of North Carolina. THere is something really special about that place.
17. I've lived on both shores of the Atlantic and Pacific Ocean. Ive tasted the sea water and felt the sand beneath my toes.
18. I didn't earn my driver's license until I was 21. I was terrified of being in control of a machine that could kill someone if I made a mistake.
19. I would like to publish a children's book one day. I've had that dream since I was less than 5.
20. I met Jesus when I was 17 years old. January 28, 2000. In the parking lot of my high school. My brother had a snowboard accident that left him with little chance for survival. I saw him before his MRI, hooked up to every wire possible. I felt the presence of God then. 2 days later, I sat in my friend (Lori Lester Brown) car and prayed for Jesus to come into my lfe. I didn't know what that meant then. But I felt an overwhelming dizzying feeling that truly left me breathless. Nothing radical in my life changed other than knowing that everything had changed, even though I didn't know what that would mean.
To be continued...
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Im Sorry
Danika and Finn,
My loves! Today I am 14 weeks pregnant with your brother or sister. And I am so excited for you to meet him or her! Danika, I cannot tell you how you make my heart happy with how much you love this little baby already. You are such a caring soul, so gentle and kind. You will make a fantastic mommy one day. Finn, my boy, the excitement you feel for babies is intoxicating. Your little giggle can brighten anyone's day. I can't wait for you to dote on your little bro or sis.
I want to apologize to you. I know I have issues in my head that I cannot fix while I am pregnant. I have anger and anxiety, and unfortunately I cannot take medicine right now. I yell at you, i destroy your little spirits, and I crush you. You try so hard to be the best kids in the world, and its never good enough. Except it is. I just don't know how to control myself right now. And I am so, so so sorry.
I love you two more than anything in the world. You are my heart and soul. i am so proud of the people you are and will become. Please know that though i yell a lot, too much, I adore you two and love everything about you. Your smiles light up my life, your hugs make my day worthwhile. I love you to the end of the earth.
Love forever, Momma
I am grateful ...
* for 2 kids who love me unconditionally
* for the gift of hearing my kids laughter all day every day
* the beauty you find in every day items
My loves! Today I am 14 weeks pregnant with your brother or sister. And I am so excited for you to meet him or her! Danika, I cannot tell you how you make my heart happy with how much you love this little baby already. You are such a caring soul, so gentle and kind. You will make a fantastic mommy one day. Finn, my boy, the excitement you feel for babies is intoxicating. Your little giggle can brighten anyone's day. I can't wait for you to dote on your little bro or sis.
I want to apologize to you. I know I have issues in my head that I cannot fix while I am pregnant. I have anger and anxiety, and unfortunately I cannot take medicine right now. I yell at you, i destroy your little spirits, and I crush you. You try so hard to be the best kids in the world, and its never good enough. Except it is. I just don't know how to control myself right now. And I am so, so so sorry.
I love you two more than anything in the world. You are my heart and soul. i am so proud of the people you are and will become. Please know that though i yell a lot, too much, I adore you two and love everything about you. Your smiles light up my life, your hugs make my day worthwhile. I love you to the end of the earth.
Love forever, Momma
I am grateful ...
* for 2 kids who love me unconditionally
* for the gift of hearing my kids laughter all day every day
* the beauty you find in every day items
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