Failure

My Danika, Finn and Max ...

God can only tell you how much I love each one of you. My heart is hurting so badly right now. I look at you and all I can see is my failure. Please don't misunderstand - when I say failure, in no way do I mean YOU. I mean that I see how many missed opportunities I gave up ... you need so badly for me to be happy, energetic, fun, lively, silly. And I'm not. And I don't know why. It hurts my heart to think that your memory of me will be that of a grouchy, yelling mommy. I don't ever want you to believe that I don't love, or like you.

My Danika, your beautiful ballet twirls, leaps and bounds make my heart soar! You have such a zest for life! Your little giggle makes my heart smile inside, even though it might not show on my lips. Your quest and thirst for knowledge is just contagious <3 you have so many questions about the world, and I want so badly to be the one to find all the answers for you. You want to know why people are mean, unkind, hurtful - probably including your mommy :( I am so sorry that I am crushing your little spirit. It breaks my heart, even mores because I don't know how to stop it.

My Finn, oh my Finn. You sweet little boy. Your gentle loving heart soothes mine. Your two kisses and a hug can make any sad heart turn into a smile. I love your snuggles after nap time, when you're just waking up. Today you told me that we have matching brown eyes, something I don't think your sister has noticed yet. Your hugs and sensitivity makes my heart melt, as I hope this never goes away. I am getting more and more lenient with spankings and punishments for you and it breaks my heart because I know that is too extreme for you. I am ruining our relationship one day at a time and once again, i don't know how to stop it.

My Max ... oh sweet little boy who I have yet to meet ... how your little kicks and nudges make me smile! I sit for a few hours each night crocheting your blanket and can only imagine wrapping you up in it! Ihave to make a tough decision of whether or not to start zoloft again. I so desperately do not want to, and so desperately fear what might happen to you if I do. Oh dear God, please help me.

I love you three so incredibly much and I know that I fail you in showing you my love on a daily basis. You are my heart and soul, my living breath. I would move heaven and earth to do anything for you. I love you so, so, so much.

Forever, Your momma <3