Nightmares ... I love you

My sweet babies ...

Oh my word, its 2:15 am and I'm wide awake and crying my eyes out. I had yet another nightmare. Tonight I dreamt that I had died. I dreamt that I had died and Jesus was walking me to heaven. But first, he took me to you. He let me see you, touch you, talk to you, hug you, kiss your sweet little face. You oculdnt see or hear me, or feel me. But I could you. It was the most excruciating moment, knowing I had to let you go forever.

In that moment, all I could do is regret every lost moment with you. I felt the regret of every angry word I had spoken, every mean word I ever said to you. I recounted the many times I had yelled at you, and seen your fallen face.

My danika and Finn ... please know this. You are perfect (not truly, as we know God is only perfect). but in my eyes, you are PERFECT. You are two amazingly beautiful wonderful little people with the most amazing hearts. You are kind, and funny, and gentle, and loving. You are thoughtful and silly, and generous. You two could not ever make a mommy more proud.

You HAVE to know that my anger is not caused by YOU. I am not angry with YOU. My anger is coming from somewhere deep deep deep inside, and you poor little people happen to get he brunt of it. I don't know hwy. You HAVE to know i'm trying to do better! you HAVE to know how much I deeply love you more than anything in the entire world. I am so proud of you, so proud of everything you will be, everything you have been. Im amazed at your strength and willingness to love and forgive me, despite my flaws.

Danika and Finn. When I felt like I was touching and seeing your face for the last time, my soul died a little bit. You are my every breath, my will to live, you are my joy, my laughter, my tears. You are my everything and I hope that you know that I will love you with every inch of my being for eternity.

Love you,
Mommy

Getting to Know You: 1

My sweet babies ...

Sometimes it is hard to let the people you love into your life. Life is so busy, that sometimes we simply forget to just sit down and talk. As your mommy, I am so blessed to watch you grow and develop into the person you will become. I get to watch your little quirks develop, and its such a treat! But you rarely get to see mine! I came across an idea of 30 topics to share with you.... the first journaling topic is to write 20 random facts about me. Here we go.

1. My right foot is slightly larger than my left.
2. I rarely use my left eye to see.
3. I love, love, love country music. Especially blue grass. That comes from Poppy's heritage.
4. I "ran" a marathon. But I walked for about 1/3-1/2 of it. And that was ok.
5. Three words. Black forest trifle.
6. I love to learn. I would love to be a forever student.
7. My first "airplane" ride was at 4 hours old, on my way for heart surgery.
8. I never excelled (or was even good in any definition) at sports, but I still loved to play.
9. I wanted to be a mommy my whole life. THough it may not seem like an amazing goal, I lived for the day when I could hold each of you in my arms, and watch you grow up.
10. Aunt Victoria had to teach me how to match my clothes in 4th grade. I never cared then, I rarely do now.
11. I loved ballet, but quit when my sisters started because I wanted to have something of my "own".
12. My favorite place to be is sipping on a cup of hot tea, reading a book in a bookstore. There is something incredibly powerful in being surrounded by written word.
13. Most of my life, as a military child, I was in the minority. Its ok to stand out in the crowd.
14. I won the spelling bee in 2nd grade. It was my proudest moment as a child.
15. I refused to let any male doctors touch me until I was 6. I was terrified of men.
16. One of my favorite places is on the farms/country of North Carolina. THere is something really special about that place.
17. I've lived on both shores of the Atlantic and Pacific Ocean. Ive tasted the sea water and felt the sand beneath my toes.
18. I didn't earn my driver's license until I was 21. I was terrified of being in control of a machine that could kill someone if I made a mistake.
19. I would like to publish a children's book one day. I've had that dream since I was less than 5.
20. I met Jesus when I was 17 years old. January 28, 2000. In the parking lot of my high school. My brother had a snowboard accident that left him with little chance for survival. I saw him before his MRI, hooked up to every wire possible. I felt the presence of God then. 2 days later, I sat in my friend (Lori Lester Brown) car and prayed for Jesus to come into my lfe. I didn't know what that meant then. But I felt an overwhelming dizzying feeling that truly left me breathless. Nothing radical in my life changed other than knowing that everything had changed, even though I didn't know what that would mean.

To be continued...

Im Sorry

Danika and Finn,

My loves! Today I am 14 weeks pregnant with your brother or sister. And I am so excited for you to meet him or her! Danika, I cannot tell you how you make my heart happy with how much you love this little baby already. You are such a caring soul, so gentle and kind. You will make a fantastic mommy one day. Finn, my boy, the excitement you feel for babies is intoxicating. Your little giggle can brighten anyone's day. I can't wait for you to dote on your little bro or sis.

I want to apologize to you. I know I have issues in my head that I cannot fix while I am pregnant. I have anger and anxiety, and unfortunately I cannot take medicine right now. I yell at you, i destroy your little spirits, and I crush you. You try so hard to be the best kids in the world, and its never good enough. Except it is. I just don't know how to control myself right now. And I am so, so so sorry.

I love you two more than anything in the world. You are my heart and soul. i am so proud of the people you are and will become. Please know that though i yell a lot, too much, I adore you two and love everything about you. Your smiles light up my life, your hugs make my day worthwhile. I love you to the end of the earth.

Love forever, Momma

I am grateful ...
* for 2 kids who love me unconditionally
* for the gift of hearing my kids laughter all day every day
* the beauty you find in every day items

A Not so Happy New Year

Danika and Finn ...

My sweet babies :) I love you so much. The way you wake up each morning with a smile, and end each day with a head on my shoulder and I love you Momma. You make my whole world light up with love, laughter and joy.

I try so hard to be the best mom I can for you. I admit, sometimes I am lazy, or flat out exhausted. Part of being a good mom means being a loving wife, and I failed in that area today. You witnessed me screaming at Daddy and throwing presents back at him. I am not proud of my actions. I hurt you by my words and actions and I am so sorry.

You witness mommy and daddy fighting ALOT. I want you to know that you are never the cause of our arguments - it's always between mommy and daddy and usually about silly stuff. I am sorry that you have to see it and be a part of it. My wish for you is that you witness a loving marriage that exemplifies the love Christ has for His church ... a man and woman who treat each other as if Jesus were right in the middle, because He is. Right now, mommy and daddy don't do that for you and my heart aches because of it.

I want you both so badly to grow up and find someone who loves you deeply and endlessly (though I'd love to keep you little and all mine forever....). I hope you can learn what love is and is not from examples in our marriage, but more importantly from our God.

I love you both so very much .... you make my heart smile day in and day out.

Love you forever,

Momma <3

You're 3 today!

My sweet little baby girl,

Happy 3rd birthday. What an amazing day it has been, celebrating YOU! We played in our monster bin this morning with pink (what other color is there?) water beads and bendy monters. Finn did everything he could to eat them, but you played with him so nicely. We went to Kohls and you picked out your baby Cinderella. We went to the park with one of your first ever kids meals, and watched Beauty and the Beast. We went to Chili's with daddy and Finn, and of course went trick or treating! What a blast we had with you... after every house you ran down the walkway in your beautiful princess dress and wand yelling "I got more treats! I got more treats! Lets go to the next one!" You were so polite with your "trick or treats!" and "thank yous!" You make us so proud.

The past three years have been the very best of my entire life. From the minute you were placed in my arms, to the moment I kissed you goodnight this evening, you have made my life have purpose and unconditional love. You were the first to call me "mom" (momma, mommy, ariana), the first to smile at me (Dec 28), the first to fall asleep on my shoulder as I rocked you to sleep singing Baby Beluga.

My Danika, how I love you. You are my breath, my heart, my life. You are the reason i get up in the morning, the last thing I think about each night. You and Finn are my heart and soul, the most important and wonderful people I've ever met. You make me strive to be the best person/mom I can be. You inspire me to work hard, and be magnificent, so that you will be proud of me and learn to be the best that you can be, too.

I cry tonight, because I have blinked and you are a big girl, no longer a baby. Your entire life you have amazed people with your beauty, kindness, spirit of adventure, love for animals nad people (especially babies), and your love for learning (and talking). The past three years have gone by so fast, and have been filled with so many wonderful memories.

This past year, you have filled our life with so many smiles, and struggles. Your willlpower has impresssed and frustrated us, as you've demanded your independence, which has made us so proud - it will serve you well one day! You have developed a love for pink and all things princess. We watched in admiration as you pranced around during your first ballet class. Your excitement over your "sassy boops" (boots) was overwhelming! We took you to the dinosaur museum for the first time, and you shook your tail feathers with daddy. We loved watching you rip open your Christmas presents open with gusto and enthusiasm, exclaiming their beauty and magnificence with each box.

The past year I have worked with you on preschool projects which you have taken over like a pro. On this day, you know all of your letters and sounds, colors and shapes, animals and sounds, and so much more. You have a love for learning that is simply inspiring. I cannot wait to watch you do the impossible as you grow older.

During your two year old year, you have learned how and when to use "NO!", and how many times "One more time" and "snuggle FREE more minutes" will work with both mommy and daddy. You have bowled us over in laughter as you've asked for "mailmen" for your owies. You welcomed Finn into our family with love and have toughened him up for the wild world around him with your toughness. I love to watch your zest for life, as you simply cannot walk ANYWHERE. Even to the bathroom, I hear your little feet running as fast as they can go.

Speaking of bathroom, we practiced for nearly an entire year before you finally got it! We are so proud of you, though ... and love how you classify your poopoos into animals, shapes and sizes. You have a need to show off your poopoos, and 99 days out of 98, you strip naked the moment you walk into the house.

My Danika, I know you will have memories of a momma who scolds, screams, and cries, but I hope you also have many memories of a momma who tells you how much she loves you and is so very proud. You make my heart melt with each sweet smile, leg hug, twirling dance, and bedtime snuggle. I will miss these early days that I am so incredibly lucky to spend with you, but I do indeed look forward to watching you grow into a big girl and enjoying dates with just you and I together. From the moment we discovered you on a pregnancy test, to my very last breath and beyond, I love you my Danika, always and forever ... you are my "i love you."

Love you baby girl,

Momma

Goodnight Moon

Saturday Sept 3: After reading of Goodnight Moon: (Danika)

Momma, can you get the moon for me? No baby, I wish I could - I'm too little. D: Is Daddy too little? Me: Yes, sweetie, Daddy is too little. D: Why can't you jump like the cows? Can Giraffes get the moon? *both* silly giggles as we go through a long list of animals ... finished with ...

Momma... I see the moon in your eyes.

Sept 4: Danika recites Good Night Moon from memory, no book/pictures. However in the middle starts singin "Momma's got a sheep on her head, momma's got a sheep on her head!"

Snorts and Giggles

My children,

Danika, today you are 2 months shy of being 3 years old. My Finn, you are 1 week past 1 year. I look at you with so much admiration. You teach me so much, whereas I used to believe I was your teacher. Danika, I love planning and preparing school for you. Your enthusiasm and curiousity is amazing and inspiring. You make me look for the brightness in the day, simply so I can show you and see your beautiful smile.

My FInn ... your little wrinkled nose is the most heart warming sight ever. You have such simple joy and love to be snuggled. One of my favorite things you do is when you're tired, you crawl over to the couch, stand, and simply lay your head on my chest for a back rub. It melts my heart. I love how you pout with your head on the floor/table/etc, simply because you don't get your way. It is hysterical how much you do this, and then you move on!

I am so grateful for you, my loves, and cherish each day we are given together. I love you so very much, from the depths of my soul - you are God's greatest gift to me, and have shown me what it is to love and be loved. I only hope I can be what you need and that as we grow together, our bond will only get stronger.

I love you with all my heart. Mom.