You Wont Remember, But I Will

You won't remember the way I stood in the bathroom late that night in labor with you, fearfully and excitedly gazing up at the moon, knowing I was going to bring you into the world soon and whispering to you, "We can do this."

You won't remember the way you looked at me right after you were born, or the way I pulled you up next to my heart and marveled "Hi, baby" in your ear.

You won't remember the way you healed my broken spirit. The way you completed my heart. I was weak before I had you, and you made me whole again.

You won't remember the way I proudly watched you everywhere we went, you were always the most beautiful boy in the room to me.

You won't remember the way you made me laugh with all of the silly things you did. I saw how kind your heart was.

You won't remember the way I would brush the hair off of your forehead and the way you'd look up at me. Without any words, our souls could touch and say everything to each other that words couldn't.

You won't remember the tickle fests we had, and how I always cheated so I could hold you close and cover your salty little face in kisses.

You won't remember all the times I went to bed at night and felt such fear being your mother: Am I doing okay? Have I messed up too many times already? Can I be the kind of mother he needs?

You won't remember the way my heart broke and grew a little bigger each time you passed a milestone, watching the sand fall through the hourglass while feeling overjoyed witnessing you expand and grow.

You won't remember the way I would hold your little feet in my hands, imagining how much bigger than my own feet they will one day grow, and how I will have to let you go.

You won't remember, but I will... and I'll hold these memories in my heart for the both of us.

Weird. I love oyu.

My babies.

Today something really weird happened. Possibly a mini stroke? WHatever it was, it scared me. And I am scared to go to sleep at night. Tongith I took each of your faces in my hands and I said "I love you. Remember that." Please do. I know we have long, tough days. I know I could be a better mom in SO many ways. But I also know you are the breath of my life. You are my everything and I love you more than I could have ever imagined, more than anything in the history of ever. YOU are my I love you. Every single one of you. Don't ever forget that. Even when I'm mad, distracted, yelling, crying, whatever… I. LOVE. YOU. until eternity. There's nothing you could ever do that would keep me from loving you. Ever.

A couple kid-isms from this week:
Ha. I love this kid. Finn was putting his sweater on and asked "Why are there pictures on clothes" …. I said, because it reflects your style, or something you love. He responds with "Ok. Mom. I'm gonna make you a shirt. And I'm gonna put a picture of me on it. Because you love me. And that way you can hug me anytime you want." and THEN he says "And then I'm gonna make a shirt for me. But daddy goes on front because I love him more. You can be on the back." I still love him 

And this … 

Empty Quiver

Another one down.

Poppy came to visit us today - we had lunch and Chikfilet and mutzd around the mall for a bit. Nothing big but he sure loves spending time with you guys! Before his arrival, Danika girl, we fought, again over your room. I don't know why. I don't know why we fight. I adore the heck out of you. You drive me nuts with your refusal and power struggles! But i love you so.

The sheets arrived for Mommy's bed tonight. I'm sad, Dani girl. I've loved snuggling you in your bed. i love how much you love me. I love turning over and being able to wrap my arms around you and kiss your beautiful face and whisper i love oyu.

I read this "mantra" today. "Be the mom you want them to remember." Ouch. What will you remember of me? As of now … anger, yelling, screaming, fighting. Nothing happy or carefree. I need to change this. Because I adore the heck out of you two. I need to be more selfless and loving and nurturing.

Daddy and I went on a date to Empty Quiver. So fun :) I hope you three loves find something that brings you simple bliss, pure joy.

Good night my sweets, I love you so.

January 1, 2015

Happy 2015!

My babies. It is a new year. Today we begin a new adventure! And I can't wait to see what it holds for you beautiful tiny human beings. You have so much ahead of you, so much room to grow, so many adventures await.

On this day, we went to the American Girl Store to see the brand new Grace Thomas being revealed. Dani, you brought Isabelle and Finn you brought Charlie Brown. You each received an apron and we went on a scavenger hunt through the store. Danika you fell more in love with Kit and Mr. Finn, you only wanted to find a boy outfit for Charlie to wear. Max, you just looked adorable in your grey bear hat wrapped around your sweet little cheeks.

Today, I yelled. I got frustrated with crappy attitudes, yet I had one myself. I wasn't nurturing, gracious, gentle, kind or patient. Not a very good example for you. I pray, my babies, that this year i become more of all those words. I want to be a better mommy for you. I want you to feel loved, cherished, adored, nurtured. I want you to know you are my everything. EVERYTHING. You three are the reason I breathe, the reason I do every thing I do. For you, I pray that you, my sweet lovies, will in turn become more like Jesus in all ways … gentle, kind, patient, loving, gracious, forgiving, wise. I fail every single day in how I model Jesus for you. That has to change.

From Jesus Calling:
"Know that your journey involves being transformed by the renewing of your mind."
Dear Jesus,
Please help me to be open to your ways, be wiling to discard my old ways and become more like you. Every single day. Help me to display your love, forgiveness, patience and graciousness as I display these towards my own children, and others. Help me to live in the spirit of love, not of anger or hatred.
Abolish any evil that resides in my house, Lord … send it away, in the name of Jesus. Open my heart, my mind to your ways. Help me lead my children towards you in all things. In Jesus name, Amen.

Ready or Not, Kindergarten, Here She Comes!

My Danika,
Less than 6 short years ago, i held you in my arms for the first time. Your little yes, so full of trust, so willing to completely depend on me for your every need. The time has gone - we laughs, played, sang, dance partied, learned, shopped, giggled, tickled and so much more. You are my girl. You will always be my girl.

I have so much regret over the last 6 years. I complained too much, I wasn't present enough. I am addicted to my phone, my computer and didn't spend those days watching, playing, laughing enough. I expected you to be perfect, and what I didn't realize is .. that you were. That you are. You are perfect. Not in the human sense, but in the Godly sense ... that God made YOU perfect - just as He wants you. And my gosh, baby girl, I couldn't have done any better. And my gosh, baby girl, how I adore you.

I hope that one day when you are old enough to read and see these letters, I can be there. And I hope to God you forgive me for the yelling, for the anger, for the lack of attention I gave you. I hope, I hope, I hope and I pray pray pray that I can change and be a better mommy for you.

Because you deserve more than what I have given you soy ar. You make me so proud, Dani girl, and i hope one day you can say the same of me. I adore everything about you - your independence, your love for others, the kind/gentle heart you have, the empathy you show for others. Your ridiculousness and willingness to break out in a dance party with me at the mall. The list can go on and on, my love ... you are my heart - no matter what, I adore you and am so proud of who you are, what you've become, who you will be. 5 years ago when you turned 1, I boasted about how I couldn't WAIT to see who you'v become. 5 years later, and 5 years down the road, and even 5,10,15+ more -  my heart bursts with pride over you.

Tomorrow you start kindergarten. This time last far I was so happy I didn't have to send you off to kindergarten. But here we are now. I am terrified. TERRIFIED. What if you love your teacher more than me? What if something awful happens to you? What if they don't challenge you enough, or push you hard enough, or TOO much? What if ? What if you don't make any friends? What if you make too many friends and get in trouble for talking :)

You are leaving my side, little love, and joining another teacher's hand for the first time in your little life. I am so excited for you. I know you will love it. You will be amazing and wow friends, teachers, coaches and so much more. I hope you love it. I hope you love to learn the way I love to learn. I hope you love your teachers and they love you back. I can't wait to hear how your day goes, I can't wait to be your friend when you can't seem to find any - because sometimes being a little girl stinks and can be lonely.

You are my heart. You are my love. You are my sunshine. And I can't wait to see you soar high to the sky with your success. I love. love. love you. more than any words could ever say. Even though it may seem like I don't, or that i'm angry all the time (because I am, and that's not your fault - ever). I love you to the end of the earth, the depths of the oceans, the stars in the sky.

The world is your oyster, my lovey. Do good. I love you forever .... Mommy <3

Forever

 My sweet babies ...

This has been a really rough week for us - we've had many fights, many struggles, many tears for all 3 of us.

I had a fear tonight that God forbid anything should happen to me, that this is how you will remember us. I fear you will remember me as angry, tired, grouchy, grumpy, mean. When I yell at you, I see fear in your eyes and I hate it. I hate it. Because I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you, ever. ever ever ever. And I fear that that is what you will remember. A mommy ou are afraid of.

Finn, last night you woke up in a soaking wet bed, bawling. I felt for the first time in a long time, like a good mommy when I gave you a snack, and pulled you out of bed, loved on you, gave you clean sheets, a fresh diaper, and then kissed your Mcqueen-covered booboo on your toe. You gave me the best hugs and kisses! It was perfect. THAT is what i want you to remember - a mommy who loves and nurtures you. Your mommy, little finn, loves you more than life itself. You are my smile in my tears, my gentle reminder of just how sweet life is.

Danika I see your little eyes searching for acceptance from me. I hate that you doubt it. I want you to know every day of your little life that your mommy loves and adores everything about you, even your stubbornness, and strong will. You- my love - are the light of my life ... my sunshine, my rainbow, my smile.

My little Max, God forbid there be a day when I don't get to hold you. From day 1 I can feel just how special you are, and how incredibly blessed that you get to be a part of our family. I love you, so much, and can't wait to meet you.

My babies - I may not be able to show it in the right ways right now, but you are my my heart and soul, my smile, my tears, ym pride, my joy, my strength, my everything. I love you love fou love you and cannot ever show you just how much. I am yours forever and ever and ever.

Love mommy <3

Bumpity Bump

 What a very special moment you, daddy and mommy shared tonight Danika!

I layer down in bed because Mr. Max was moving like crazy in my belly. You placed your hand on my belly and waited patiently. All of a sudden, a wave crossed my belly - Danika girl - your little eyes lit up like stars in the sky and sparkled with magic! It was the most precious moment! I wish I could've captured it on camera, video or simply stored your magic in a bottle for the rest of my life. So incredibly special. After he stopped moving, you read him Goodnight Moon for the first time.

You, my little love, are going to be an amazing big sister to Max and a big helper to mommy! I can't wait for you to love on him, hold him, kiss his little head <3 FInn, my sweet boy - your "awwwwwww, so cute" will melt my heart forever and ever! Im so proud of you both and can't wait to watch you grow into your new roles as Max's big sister and brother!

Love forever, Mama!