Little Voices

Today, July 9, 2015 …  the reality of losing my littles has really been hitting me hard. Max, I bought the first items for your SECOND birthday! How did the time pass so quickly?

TOnight I came home from picking the kids up at VBS and little Max was woken up by Finn who walked in his room. He stood in his little crib, arms up saying "mommy, mommy, mommy". I left my brand new vitamix aside and scooped his little body up in my arms. How perfect it was. His little head resting on my shoulder, arms, tightly clinging around my neck. I cried. Oh how I cried. How many more times will I be so blessed to have those little arms clinging tightly to me. I didn't want to put him down, it could be the very last time he ever wants me so desperately. Oh sweet baby boy. Today you started saying "love you" back … except it sounds like a "wa hoo." So ridiculously sweet and innocent.  Other max'sms I want to remember? Poo daddy. <3 love, love, love poo daddy. Happy Moose. I am Moose! Mommy up! Mommy Up! Soon! Wa hoooo.

On the way to VBS this week, my sweet older kids. There was a conversation that went something like this :
Me: Finn what sport do you choose?
Finn: Baseball.
D: You don't want to do football like daddy?
FInn: No, I don't want to get hurt.
D: Getting hurt is manly. You're afraid to be a man?
Finn: No, I just don't want to get hurt like daddy. Remember falling and scraping your knee and elbow (July 4) ? I don't want to cry like you did.

Finn, you have the most enormous heart of any little boy I've ever met. Don't ever change, be exactly who you are. I know it might be lonely growing up - you inherited my personality, you poor thing. Stay true to who you are and you will persevere. You are my little fighter, and I love you so so much. From the moment you pulled through your pneumonia … you have been the warrior in our family. God bless you baby boy … I love you so much.

Danika, my love. You so desperately want to be "big". You try so hard to do big girl things and get so frustrated by the limitations - both that come with still being little, and the ones from me. You write little notes to me and pretend someone left them int he mailbox. I will forever and ever treasure those little slips of paper. The little drawings of you and me, and the small "I love you" hidden somewhere inside. You, my love, are a great kid. I love every last thing about you, even those that frustrate the crap out of me.

My sweet babies. I so desperately love you. And I fail so often at being great mom. I'm not perfect, I try hard. I'm sorry I don't know how to play. I know how to teach and sometimes put that on you to be perfect. And you are … each in your own little way. No, not like Jesus … but perfect the way Jesus made you. I love looking into your little faces and adoring the little person has created you to be. You are so perfect,so beautiful and so very, very loved.

With hugs and kisses forever, Mommy. <3 <3 <3

Calling Out

God.

I sit here tonight and I feel so close yet so far away. I feel like you are yelling at me, yet all I can hear is an echo. Where are you? Why can't I feel your presence? And why can I, yet I can't accept it?

Last night's bible study - was oh so powerful. about the 6 attributes of a heavenly father, what is needed to be a whole child of God. God. I need all of them. I need your affection, your nurturing and I need to accept all of you, and i need you to accept all of me. I need to meet with you, your training, your encouragement. God, I need your journey. Not only od I need it for me, I need to transmit that to my kids. I feel like a complete failure, both as a daughter of Christ, but also as a mother to my children.

As I sit here typing, I feel like all of this is just words. Just words. No actions. Nothing feels real, it feels like I'm going through the motions and it's lame. God. Help me to make this real.

God. I need you to fill my spirit with yours. I need love, humility, gentleness, nurturing and acceptance. God  please. Please. Please.

To and From

Tonight's Bible Study message has me marinating.

Dear God. Please help me turn to you and away from …

Yo've helped me come so far , I beg you … fill me with your spirit and help me to turn even more towards you. I beg you.

Help me turn towards forgiveness and away from grudge.
Help me turn towards love, away from hate.
towards gentleness, away from wrath/anger.
towards nurturing, away from obliviousness.
towards joy, away from anger. AWAY FROM ANGER.

God. You've done so ugh for me,help me coninue to grow.
I now am able to handle phone calls okay.
I now am able to refrain from hateful emails to Nate.
I now am able to greet nate with mellow instead of wrath.
Glory be to you, God.
Amen.

Today at he zoo , Finn carried a pocket of change with him. And occasionally would hand out a penny, or coin to another person. He wanted to bring them joy. He wanted to be selfless. How much I can learn from that kid. Funny thing: Almost no one took it. They gave him weird looks and refused. It hurt him. He didn't understand why people wouldn't accept his act of kindness. Lesson to ponder: Do i reject his acts of kindness? Or that of others? Do I act as selflessly as him? Do I encourage him to continue this amazing piece of his character?

He also chatted up a stranger kid wearing a ninja turtle shirt. And said "don't tell anyone, but I'm a jedi."I love that kid. It only takes a simple conversation to make someone's whole day.

Danka would walk, and occasionally hug me or Nate. She just craves that touch I just don't give it to her enough.

And my max… fell asleep so soundly on my back in there ergo. I love baby wearing <3 Love feeling his body feeling so comfortable and loved against mine. <3

The Sillies

What a week.

Danika, my girl. This week I said to you "You're adorable". Instead of smile your shy smile, you said "oh mom are you confusing me with max?". No, my love. You are adorable and I don't say it nearly enough. I love you, I adore you. You are my heart.

Finn? Today, silly guy … Poppy was visiting, and in the middle of his conversation you came downstairs with a tampon and asked "Mom? How does this go in your vagina"? HAHAHAH! Bless.

My Max. Today you were nursing as we lay on the bed, and daddy walked in, and layer down with us. You thought it was hilarious to get a mouth full of mommy milk, and then kiss daddy, dribbling a little into his mouth. SO FUNNY! Bless.

This weekend I spent my time sewing photography crafts, and Danika had her first day at girl scout camp. SO FUN! I loved driving you and Ashley up and hearing your conversation, about the things that were most important. My love - you talked about zombies. <3

Today I had my first newborn session in over a YEAR! A year! When I asked before, it was not the right time and i'm so glad. I've grown so much. God, you are so good to me. What did this teach me? Trust. When I'm frustrated nd not happy with what is going on … to trust that God knows what is best, and has a plan for the future. I wonder what a year from now will look like? God, please direct my steps.

I fear, every day, I'm going to loose one of you and you will not know my love, ym heart. My babies, you are my heart. Too often I treat you like a chore, when really, you are my center, the reason I do everything. I am so grateful to be your mommy. God please help me to love my babies more deeply, sincerely. Help me to show them my love and your love. Help me, Lord, to manage my time appropriately. To serve my family out of love. To be content with just sitting, and loving each other. Help me, lord, to make each child feel loved and adored. Help me direct my time and attention to what matters the most.

Thank you, Lord … thank you. Thank you for these kids. Thank you for this life. For my husband who loves when me when shouldn't. And forgiving me for not loving him when I should. Help me Lord, to create a home that loves and adores YOU … that is filled with your peace and love. I know tomorrow is going to be hectic and chaotic, help me to stay centered and focused on your love and peace.

Thank you for your plan - that you know what is best even when I'm begging for something different. Pleas ehlpe guide me to grow my business to a place where it contributes to my family's well being instead of begin a distraction from it.

Thank you lord for your everlasting patience with me. Help me to turn to you for all things. And gently steer me back when I wander away.

bless.

Snuggles

Today, My Finndozer …

Today you came down from your nap and you were cold and you asked for snuggles.

Can i tell you - snuggling with you sweet loves is the best part of my day. Dani, whether it starts with you in the morning, or bed tim snuggles at night. I love being close to you. I love to smell you, touch your skin, be close to you. I treasure those moments, although it's a pain to drag my butt upstairs each night. My loves, please know - you don't have to do great tthigns for your mommy to be proud of you and love oyu. Simply be you. Always.

Danigirl, tonight I watched you at gymnastics. You make me so proud. You are so strong, so determined. You pointed to a picture of competitive gymnasts and said "momma, i want to be like them. I want to be an olympian." I have no doubt, my love… you will do what you put your mind to. And I love that about you.

Thankful…
1) Thankful we can pay for your activities and enjoy watching you excel.
2) Thankful for those sweet snuggles, my cheek against yours.
3) Thankful for being the "best doctor ever" - I love taking care of you guys, even though I probablyact annoyed about it most of the time. I want so badly to be the mom in the article "Mommy, someone needs you".

Danika, Finn and Max...
I love you, always. <3 Mommy <3

You Wont Remember, But I Will

You won't remember the way I stood in the bathroom late that night in labor with you, fearfully and excitedly gazing up at the moon, knowing I was going to bring you into the world soon and whispering to you, "We can do this."

You won't remember the way you looked at me right after you were born, or the way I pulled you up next to my heart and marveled "Hi, baby" in your ear.

You won't remember the way you healed my broken spirit. The way you completed my heart. I was weak before I had you, and you made me whole again.

You won't remember the way I proudly watched you everywhere we went, you were always the most beautiful boy in the room to me.

You won't remember the way you made me laugh with all of the silly things you did. I saw how kind your heart was.

You won't remember the way I would brush the hair off of your forehead and the way you'd look up at me. Without any words, our souls could touch and say everything to each other that words couldn't.

You won't remember the tickle fests we had, and how I always cheated so I could hold you close and cover your salty little face in kisses.

You won't remember all the times I went to bed at night and felt such fear being your mother: Am I doing okay? Have I messed up too many times already? Can I be the kind of mother he needs?

You won't remember the way my heart broke and grew a little bigger each time you passed a milestone, watching the sand fall through the hourglass while feeling overjoyed witnessing you expand and grow.

You won't remember the way I would hold your little feet in my hands, imagining how much bigger than my own feet they will one day grow, and how I will have to let you go.

You won't remember, but I will... and I'll hold these memories in my heart for the both of us.

Weird. I love oyu.

My babies.

Today something really weird happened. Possibly a mini stroke? WHatever it was, it scared me. And I am scared to go to sleep at night. Tongith I took each of your faces in my hands and I said "I love you. Remember that." Please do. I know we have long, tough days. I know I could be a better mom in SO many ways. But I also know you are the breath of my life. You are my everything and I love you more than I could have ever imagined, more than anything in the history of ever. YOU are my I love you. Every single one of you. Don't ever forget that. Even when I'm mad, distracted, yelling, crying, whatever… I. LOVE. YOU. until eternity. There's nothing you could ever do that would keep me from loving you. Ever.

A couple kid-isms from this week:
Ha. I love this kid. Finn was putting his sweater on and asked "Why are there pictures on clothes" …. I said, because it reflects your style, or something you love. He responds with "Ok. Mom. I'm gonna make you a shirt. And I'm gonna put a picture of me on it. Because you love me. And that way you can hug me anytime you want." and THEN he says "And then I'm gonna make a shirt for me. But daddy goes on front because I love him more. You can be on the back." I still love him 

And this … 

Empty Quiver

Another one down.

Poppy came to visit us today - we had lunch and Chikfilet and mutzd around the mall for a bit. Nothing big but he sure loves spending time with you guys! Before his arrival, Danika girl, we fought, again over your room. I don't know why. I don't know why we fight. I adore the heck out of you. You drive me nuts with your refusal and power struggles! But i love you so.

The sheets arrived for Mommy's bed tonight. I'm sad, Dani girl. I've loved snuggling you in your bed. i love how much you love me. I love turning over and being able to wrap my arms around you and kiss your beautiful face and whisper i love oyu.

I read this "mantra" today. "Be the mom you want them to remember." Ouch. What will you remember of me? As of now … anger, yelling, screaming, fighting. Nothing happy or carefree. I need to change this. Because I adore the heck out of you two. I need to be more selfless and loving and nurturing.

Daddy and I went on a date to Empty Quiver. So fun :) I hope you three loves find something that brings you simple bliss, pure joy.

Good night my sweets, I love you so.

January 1, 2015

Happy 2015!

My babies. It is a new year. Today we begin a new adventure! And I can't wait to see what it holds for you beautiful tiny human beings. You have so much ahead of you, so much room to grow, so many adventures await.

On this day, we went to the American Girl Store to see the brand new Grace Thomas being revealed. Dani, you brought Isabelle and Finn you brought Charlie Brown. You each received an apron and we went on a scavenger hunt through the store. Danika you fell more in love with Kit and Mr. Finn, you only wanted to find a boy outfit for Charlie to wear. Max, you just looked adorable in your grey bear hat wrapped around your sweet little cheeks.

Today, I yelled. I got frustrated with crappy attitudes, yet I had one myself. I wasn't nurturing, gracious, gentle, kind or patient. Not a very good example for you. I pray, my babies, that this year i become more of all those words. I want to be a better mommy for you. I want you to feel loved, cherished, adored, nurtured. I want you to know you are my everything. EVERYTHING. You three are the reason I breathe, the reason I do every thing I do. For you, I pray that you, my sweet lovies, will in turn become more like Jesus in all ways … gentle, kind, patient, loving, gracious, forgiving, wise. I fail every single day in how I model Jesus for you. That has to change.

From Jesus Calling:
"Know that your journey involves being transformed by the renewing of your mind."
Dear Jesus,
Please help me to be open to your ways, be wiling to discard my old ways and become more like you. Every single day. Help me to display your love, forgiveness, patience and graciousness as I display these towards my own children, and others. Help me to live in the spirit of love, not of anger or hatred.
Abolish any evil that resides in my house, Lord … send it away, in the name of Jesus. Open my heart, my mind to your ways. Help me lead my children towards you in all things. In Jesus name, Amen.

Ready or Not, Kindergarten, Here She Comes!

My Danika,
Less than 6 short years ago, i held you in my arms for the first time. Your little yes, so full of trust, so willing to completely depend on me for your every need. The time has gone - we laughs, played, sang, dance partied, learned, shopped, giggled, tickled and so much more. You are my girl. You will always be my girl.

I have so much regret over the last 6 years. I complained too much, I wasn't present enough. I am addicted to my phone, my computer and didn't spend those days watching, playing, laughing enough. I expected you to be perfect, and what I didn't realize is .. that you were. That you are. You are perfect. Not in the human sense, but in the Godly sense ... that God made YOU perfect - just as He wants you. And my gosh, baby girl, I couldn't have done any better. And my gosh, baby girl, how I adore you.

I hope that one day when you are old enough to read and see these letters, I can be there. And I hope to God you forgive me for the yelling, for the anger, for the lack of attention I gave you. I hope, I hope, I hope and I pray pray pray that I can change and be a better mommy for you.

Because you deserve more than what I have given you soy ar. You make me so proud, Dani girl, and i hope one day you can say the same of me. I adore everything about you - your independence, your love for others, the kind/gentle heart you have, the empathy you show for others. Your ridiculousness and willingness to break out in a dance party with me at the mall. The list can go on and on, my love ... you are my heart - no matter what, I adore you and am so proud of who you are, what you've become, who you will be. 5 years ago when you turned 1, I boasted about how I couldn't WAIT to see who you'v become. 5 years later, and 5 years down the road, and even 5,10,15+ more -  my heart bursts with pride over you.

Tomorrow you start kindergarten. This time last far I was so happy I didn't have to send you off to kindergarten. But here we are now. I am terrified. TERRIFIED. What if you love your teacher more than me? What if something awful happens to you? What if they don't challenge you enough, or push you hard enough, or TOO much? What if ? What if you don't make any friends? What if you make too many friends and get in trouble for talking :)

You are leaving my side, little love, and joining another teacher's hand for the first time in your little life. I am so excited for you. I know you will love it. You will be amazing and wow friends, teachers, coaches and so much more. I hope you love it. I hope you love to learn the way I love to learn. I hope you love your teachers and they love you back. I can't wait to hear how your day goes, I can't wait to be your friend when you can't seem to find any - because sometimes being a little girl stinks and can be lonely.

You are my heart. You are my love. You are my sunshine. And I can't wait to see you soar high to the sky with your success. I love. love. love you. more than any words could ever say. Even though it may seem like I don't, or that i'm angry all the time (because I am, and that's not your fault - ever). I love you to the end of the earth, the depths of the oceans, the stars in the sky.

The world is your oyster, my lovey. Do good. I love you forever .... Mommy <3

Forever

 My sweet babies ...

This has been a really rough week for us - we've had many fights, many struggles, many tears for all 3 of us.

I had a fear tonight that God forbid anything should happen to me, that this is how you will remember us. I fear you will remember me as angry, tired, grouchy, grumpy, mean. When I yell at you, I see fear in your eyes and I hate it. I hate it. Because I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you, ever. ever ever ever. And I fear that that is what you will remember. A mommy ou are afraid of.

Finn, last night you woke up in a soaking wet bed, bawling. I felt for the first time in a long time, like a good mommy when I gave you a snack, and pulled you out of bed, loved on you, gave you clean sheets, a fresh diaper, and then kissed your Mcqueen-covered booboo on your toe. You gave me the best hugs and kisses! It was perfect. THAT is what i want you to remember - a mommy who loves and nurtures you. Your mommy, little finn, loves you more than life itself. You are my smile in my tears, my gentle reminder of just how sweet life is.

Danika I see your little eyes searching for acceptance from me. I hate that you doubt it. I want you to know every day of your little life that your mommy loves and adores everything about you, even your stubbornness, and strong will. You- my love - are the light of my life ... my sunshine, my rainbow, my smile.

My little Max, God forbid there be a day when I don't get to hold you. From day 1 I can feel just how special you are, and how incredibly blessed that you get to be a part of our family. I love you, so much, and can't wait to meet you.

My babies - I may not be able to show it in the right ways right now, but you are my my heart and soul, my smile, my tears, ym pride, my joy, my strength, my everything. I love you love fou love you and cannot ever show you just how much. I am yours forever and ever and ever.

Love mommy <3

Bumpity Bump

 What a very special moment you, daddy and mommy shared tonight Danika!

I layer down in bed because Mr. Max was moving like crazy in my belly. You placed your hand on my belly and waited patiently. All of a sudden, a wave crossed my belly - Danika girl - your little eyes lit up like stars in the sky and sparkled with magic! It was the most precious moment! I wish I could've captured it on camera, video or simply stored your magic in a bottle for the rest of my life. So incredibly special. After he stopped moving, you read him Goodnight Moon for the first time.

You, my little love, are going to be an amazing big sister to Max and a big helper to mommy! I can't wait for you to love on him, hold him, kiss his little head <3 FInn, my sweet boy - your "awwwwwww, so cute" will melt my heart forever and ever! Im so proud of you both and can't wait to watch you grow into your new roles as Max's big sister and brother!

Love forever, Mama!

Failure

My Danika, Finn and Max ...

God can only tell you how much I love each one of you. My heart is hurting so badly right now. I look at you and all I can see is my failure. Please don't misunderstand - when I say failure, in no way do I mean YOU. I mean that I see how many missed opportunities I gave up ... you need so badly for me to be happy, energetic, fun, lively, silly. And I'm not. And I don't know why. It hurts my heart to think that your memory of me will be that of a grouchy, yelling mommy. I don't ever want you to believe that I don't love, or like you.

My Danika, your beautiful ballet twirls, leaps and bounds make my heart soar! You have such a zest for life! Your little giggle makes my heart smile inside, even though it might not show on my lips. Your quest and thirst for knowledge is just contagious <3 you have so many questions about the world, and I want so badly to be the one to find all the answers for you. You want to know why people are mean, unkind, hurtful - probably including your mommy :( I am so sorry that I am crushing your little spirit. It breaks my heart, even mores because I don't know how to stop it.

My Finn, oh my Finn. You sweet little boy. Your gentle loving heart soothes mine. Your two kisses and a hug can make any sad heart turn into a smile. I love your snuggles after nap time, when you're just waking up. Today you told me that we have matching brown eyes, something I don't think your sister has noticed yet. Your hugs and sensitivity makes my heart melt, as I hope this never goes away. I am getting more and more lenient with spankings and punishments for you and it breaks my heart because I know that is too extreme for you. I am ruining our relationship one day at a time and once again, i don't know how to stop it.

My Max ... oh sweet little boy who I have yet to meet ... how your little kicks and nudges make me smile! I sit for a few hours each night crocheting your blanket and can only imagine wrapping you up in it! Ihave to make a tough decision of whether or not to start zoloft again. I so desperately do not want to, and so desperately fear what might happen to you if I do. Oh dear God, please help me.

I love you three so incredibly much and I know that I fail you in showing you my love on a daily basis. You are my heart and soul, my living breath. I would move heaven and earth to do anything for you. I love you so, so, so much.

Forever, Your momma <3

That Look :(

My Finn ,

Today was one of our first "bad" days and I am awake at 1:30am reeling in my own guilt. I screamed. ALL DAY. today. I spanked you. ALOT. My last straw was when you threw a piece of chalk. I grabbed your little face and I SCREAMED in it.

Oh Finn, the look on your face. The look of sadness, of disappointment in me and yourself. I will never forget your "ohhhh :*( " response. Oh how it broke my heart, because I broke yours. I don't EVER want to repeat that.

My Finn, you are the most kind hearted gentle little boy in the entire world, and I am destroying your little spirit. God, you have GOT to take this anger away - PLEASE! PLEEEEASE! I am begging you. I am destroying my kids, and my relationship with them. And Iam watching myself do it in slow motion. PLEASE take my anger away. Give me back my joy and peace. Help me to enjoy being a mother and treasure these sweet little faces and hearts. Help me to teach them how to love you. I cannot keep doing this to my kids and myself. I AM BEGGING YOU GOD! PLEASE! LISTEN AND HELP ME! PLEAAAASE!

"Beam"ing

My little Danika <3

Today. Today was a big day for you. On Friday I got an email saying your gymnastics teacher left, and was being replaced with "Coach Chad". My heart sunk, because I knew you woldnt want to go. I changed your class to another female instructor.

But all day on Monday, I was emailing Cece's mom, who told me Cece was going to be at class. While I was at a dr appt, daddy talked to you, and you decided to try to go to gymnastics, even though the teacher was a boy. You were so brave!

We got to gymnastics and as always you were amazing. But, just as daddy was telling me how good you are at the beam, you slipped and fell. i gasped, and though you stood up with a smile, I could see tears in your eyes. You were trying so hard to be brave and proud. You ran over to me, smiling the whole way, but I could see the embarrassment and pain in your eyes. You threw your arms around me and cried and cried. But Dnaika, the amazing part about today, was that you kept going. After you cried, you smiled at me and I asked if you would be willing to try again. You smiled and said yes <3 I cannot tell you how proud of you I am. You are such a strong, brave little girl. You will go so far in your life.

I am so grateful I was there to watch you. I'm thankful that you trusted me enough to be your place to cry. Im thankful I got to see you fall, and that I got to se you muster up the courage to try again. I cannot tell you how much my heart swells with love and pride for you as I write this. I am so in love with you, my daughter. You are simply amazing. And Im so grateful to be your mommy.

Nightmares ... I love you

My sweet babies ...

Oh my word, its 2:15 am and I'm wide awake and crying my eyes out. I had yet another nightmare. Tonight I dreamt that I had died. I dreamt that I had died and Jesus was walking me to heaven. But first, he took me to you. He let me see you, touch you, talk to you, hug you, kiss your sweet little face. You oculdnt see or hear me, or feel me. But I could you. It was the most excruciating moment, knowing I had to let you go forever.

In that moment, all I could do is regret every lost moment with you. I felt the regret of every angry word I had spoken, every mean word I ever said to you. I recounted the many times I had yelled at you, and seen your fallen face.

My danika and Finn ... please know this. You are perfect (not truly, as we know God is only perfect). but in my eyes, you are PERFECT. You are two amazingly beautiful wonderful little people with the most amazing hearts. You are kind, and funny, and gentle, and loving. You are thoughtful and silly, and generous. You two could not ever make a mommy more proud.

You HAVE to know that my anger is not caused by YOU. I am not angry with YOU. My anger is coming from somewhere deep deep deep inside, and you poor little people happen to get he brunt of it. I don't know hwy. You HAVE to know i'm trying to do better! you HAVE to know how much I deeply love you more than anything in the entire world. I am so proud of you, so proud of everything you will be, everything you have been. Im amazed at your strength and willingness to love and forgive me, despite my flaws.

Danika and Finn. When I felt like I was touching and seeing your face for the last time, my soul died a little bit. You are my every breath, my will to live, you are my joy, my laughter, my tears. You are my everything and I hope that you know that I will love you with every inch of my being for eternity.

Love you,
Mommy

Getting to Know You: 1

My sweet babies ...

Sometimes it is hard to let the people you love into your life. Life is so busy, that sometimes we simply forget to just sit down and talk. As your mommy, I am so blessed to watch you grow and develop into the person you will become. I get to watch your little quirks develop, and its such a treat! But you rarely get to see mine! I came across an idea of 30 topics to share with you.... the first journaling topic is to write 20 random facts about me. Here we go.

1. My right foot is slightly larger than my left.
2. I rarely use my left eye to see.
3. I love, love, love country music. Especially blue grass. That comes from Poppy's heritage.
4. I "ran" a marathon. But I walked for about 1/3-1/2 of it. And that was ok.
5. Three words. Black forest trifle.
6. I love to learn. I would love to be a forever student.
7. My first "airplane" ride was at 4 hours old, on my way for heart surgery.
8. I never excelled (or was even good in any definition) at sports, but I still loved to play.
9. I wanted to be a mommy my whole life. THough it may not seem like an amazing goal, I lived for the day when I could hold each of you in my arms, and watch you grow up.
10. Aunt Victoria had to teach me how to match my clothes in 4th grade. I never cared then, I rarely do now.
11. I loved ballet, but quit when my sisters started because I wanted to have something of my "own".
12. My favorite place to be is sipping on a cup of hot tea, reading a book in a bookstore. There is something incredibly powerful in being surrounded by written word.
13. Most of my life, as a military child, I was in the minority. Its ok to stand out in the crowd.
14. I won the spelling bee in 2nd grade. It was my proudest moment as a child.
15. I refused to let any male doctors touch me until I was 6. I was terrified of men.
16. One of my favorite places is on the farms/country of North Carolina. THere is something really special about that place.
17. I've lived on both shores of the Atlantic and Pacific Ocean. Ive tasted the sea water and felt the sand beneath my toes.
18. I didn't earn my driver's license until I was 21. I was terrified of being in control of a machine that could kill someone if I made a mistake.
19. I would like to publish a children's book one day. I've had that dream since I was less than 5.
20. I met Jesus when I was 17 years old. January 28, 2000. In the parking lot of my high school. My brother had a snowboard accident that left him with little chance for survival. I saw him before his MRI, hooked up to every wire possible. I felt the presence of God then. 2 days later, I sat in my friend (Lori Lester Brown) car and prayed for Jesus to come into my lfe. I didn't know what that meant then. But I felt an overwhelming dizzying feeling that truly left me breathless. Nothing radical in my life changed other than knowing that everything had changed, even though I didn't know what that would mean.

To be continued...

Im Sorry

Danika and Finn,

My loves! Today I am 14 weeks pregnant with your brother or sister. And I am so excited for you to meet him or her! Danika, I cannot tell you how you make my heart happy with how much you love this little baby already. You are such a caring soul, so gentle and kind. You will make a fantastic mommy one day. Finn, my boy, the excitement you feel for babies is intoxicating. Your little giggle can brighten anyone's day. I can't wait for you to dote on your little bro or sis.

I want to apologize to you. I know I have issues in my head that I cannot fix while I am pregnant. I have anger and anxiety, and unfortunately I cannot take medicine right now. I yell at you, i destroy your little spirits, and I crush you. You try so hard to be the best kids in the world, and its never good enough. Except it is. I just don't know how to control myself right now. And I am so, so so sorry.

I love you two more than anything in the world. You are my heart and soul. i am so proud of the people you are and will become. Please know that though i yell a lot, too much, I adore you two and love everything about you. Your smiles light up my life, your hugs make my day worthwhile. I love you to the end of the earth.

Love forever, Momma

I am grateful ...
* for 2 kids who love me unconditionally
* for the gift of hearing my kids laughter all day every day
* the beauty you find in every day items

A Not so Happy New Year

Danika and Finn ...

My sweet babies :) I love you so much. The way you wake up each morning with a smile, and end each day with a head on my shoulder and I love you Momma. You make my whole world light up with love, laughter and joy.

I try so hard to be the best mom I can for you. I admit, sometimes I am lazy, or flat out exhausted. Part of being a good mom means being a loving wife, and I failed in that area today. You witnessed me screaming at Daddy and throwing presents back at him. I am not proud of my actions. I hurt you by my words and actions and I am so sorry.

You witness mommy and daddy fighting ALOT. I want you to know that you are never the cause of our arguments - it's always between mommy and daddy and usually about silly stuff. I am sorry that you have to see it and be a part of it. My wish for you is that you witness a loving marriage that exemplifies the love Christ has for His church ... a man and woman who treat each other as if Jesus were right in the middle, because He is. Right now, mommy and daddy don't do that for you and my heart aches because of it.

I want you both so badly to grow up and find someone who loves you deeply and endlessly (though I'd love to keep you little and all mine forever....). I hope you can learn what love is and is not from examples in our marriage, but more importantly from our God.

I love you both so very much .... you make my heart smile day in and day out.

Love you forever,

Momma <3

You're 3 today!

My sweet little baby girl,

Happy 3rd birthday. What an amazing day it has been, celebrating YOU! We played in our monster bin this morning with pink (what other color is there?) water beads and bendy monters. Finn did everything he could to eat them, but you played with him so nicely. We went to Kohls and you picked out your baby Cinderella. We went to the park with one of your first ever kids meals, and watched Beauty and the Beast. We went to Chili's with daddy and Finn, and of course went trick or treating! What a blast we had with you... after every house you ran down the walkway in your beautiful princess dress and wand yelling "I got more treats! I got more treats! Lets go to the next one!" You were so polite with your "trick or treats!" and "thank yous!" You make us so proud.

The past three years have been the very best of my entire life. From the minute you were placed in my arms, to the moment I kissed you goodnight this evening, you have made my life have purpose and unconditional love. You were the first to call me "mom" (momma, mommy, ariana), the first to smile at me (Dec 28), the first to fall asleep on my shoulder as I rocked you to sleep singing Baby Beluga.

My Danika, how I love you. You are my breath, my heart, my life. You are the reason i get up in the morning, the last thing I think about each night. You and Finn are my heart and soul, the most important and wonderful people I've ever met. You make me strive to be the best person/mom I can be. You inspire me to work hard, and be magnificent, so that you will be proud of me and learn to be the best that you can be, too.

I cry tonight, because I have blinked and you are a big girl, no longer a baby. Your entire life you have amazed people with your beauty, kindness, spirit of adventure, love for animals nad people (especially babies), and your love for learning (and talking). The past three years have gone by so fast, and have been filled with so many wonderful memories.

This past year, you have filled our life with so many smiles, and struggles. Your willlpower has impresssed and frustrated us, as you've demanded your independence, which has made us so proud - it will serve you well one day! You have developed a love for pink and all things princess. We watched in admiration as you pranced around during your first ballet class. Your excitement over your "sassy boops" (boots) was overwhelming! We took you to the dinosaur museum for the first time, and you shook your tail feathers with daddy. We loved watching you rip open your Christmas presents open with gusto and enthusiasm, exclaiming their beauty and magnificence with each box.

The past year I have worked with you on preschool projects which you have taken over like a pro. On this day, you know all of your letters and sounds, colors and shapes, animals and sounds, and so much more. You have a love for learning that is simply inspiring. I cannot wait to watch you do the impossible as you grow older.

During your two year old year, you have learned how and when to use "NO!", and how many times "One more time" and "snuggle FREE more minutes" will work with both mommy and daddy. You have bowled us over in laughter as you've asked for "mailmen" for your owies. You welcomed Finn into our family with love and have toughened him up for the wild world around him with your toughness. I love to watch your zest for life, as you simply cannot walk ANYWHERE. Even to the bathroom, I hear your little feet running as fast as they can go.

Speaking of bathroom, we practiced for nearly an entire year before you finally got it! We are so proud of you, though ... and love how you classify your poopoos into animals, shapes and sizes. You have a need to show off your poopoos, and 99 days out of 98, you strip naked the moment you walk into the house.

My Danika, I know you will have memories of a momma who scolds, screams, and cries, but I hope you also have many memories of a momma who tells you how much she loves you and is so very proud. You make my heart melt with each sweet smile, leg hug, twirling dance, and bedtime snuggle. I will miss these early days that I am so incredibly lucky to spend with you, but I do indeed look forward to watching you grow into a big girl and enjoying dates with just you and I together. From the moment we discovered you on a pregnancy test, to my very last breath and beyond, I love you my Danika, always and forever ... you are my "i love you."

Love you baby girl,

Momma