My sweet babies ...
Oh my word, its 2:15 am and I'm wide awake and crying my eyes out. I had yet another nightmare. Tonight I dreamt that I had died. I dreamt that I had died and Jesus was walking me to heaven. But first, he took me to you. He let me see you, touch you, talk to you, hug you, kiss your sweet little face. You oculdnt see or hear me, or feel me. But I could you. It was the most excruciating moment, knowing I had to let you go forever.
In that moment, all I could do is regret every lost moment with you. I felt the regret of every angry word I had spoken, every mean word I ever said to you. I recounted the many times I had yelled at you, and seen your fallen face.
My danika and Finn ... please know this. You are perfect (not truly, as we know God is only perfect). but in my eyes, you are PERFECT. You are two amazingly beautiful wonderful little people with the most amazing hearts. You are kind, and funny, and gentle, and loving. You are thoughtful and silly, and generous. You two could not ever make a mommy more proud.
You HAVE to know that my anger is not caused by YOU. I am not angry with YOU. My anger is coming from somewhere deep deep deep inside, and you poor little people happen to get he brunt of it. I don't know hwy. You HAVE to know i'm trying to do better! you HAVE to know how much I deeply love you more than anything in the entire world. I am so proud of you, so proud of everything you will be, everything you have been. Im amazed at your strength and willingness to love and forgive me, despite my flaws.
Danika and Finn. When I felt like I was touching and seeing your face for the last time, my soul died a little bit. You are my every breath, my will to live, you are my joy, my laughter, my tears. You are my everything and I hope that you know that I will love you with every inch of my being for eternity.
Love you,
Mommy
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