Another one down.
Poppy came to visit us today - we had lunch and Chikfilet and mutzd around the mall for a bit. Nothing big but he sure loves spending time with you guys! Before his arrival, Danika girl, we fought, again over your room. I don't know why. I don't know why we fight. I adore the heck out of you. You drive me nuts with your refusal and power struggles! But i love you so.
The sheets arrived for Mommy's bed tonight. I'm sad, Dani girl. I've loved snuggling you in your bed. i love how much you love me. I love turning over and being able to wrap my arms around you and kiss your beautiful face and whisper i love oyu.
I read this "mantra" today. "Be the mom you want them to remember." Ouch. What will you remember of me? As of now … anger, yelling, screaming, fighting. Nothing happy or carefree. I need to change this. Because I adore the heck out of you two. I need to be more selfless and loving and nurturing.
Daddy and I went on a date to Empty Quiver. So fun :) I hope you three loves find something that brings you simple bliss, pure joy.
Good night my sweets, I love you so.
Friday, January 2, 2015
Thursday, January 1, 2015
January 1, 2015
Happy 2015!
My babies. It is a new year. Today we begin a new adventure! And I can't wait to see what it holds for you beautiful tiny human beings. You have so much ahead of you, so much room to grow, so many adventures await.
On this day, we went to the American Girl Store to see the brand new Grace Thomas being revealed. Dani, you brought Isabelle and Finn you brought Charlie Brown. You each received an apron and we went on a scavenger hunt through the store. Danika you fell more in love with Kit and Mr. Finn, you only wanted to find a boy outfit for Charlie to wear. Max, you just looked adorable in your grey bear hat wrapped around your sweet little cheeks.
Today, I yelled. I got frustrated with crappy attitudes, yet I had one myself. I wasn't nurturing, gracious, gentle, kind or patient. Not a very good example for you. I pray, my babies, that this year i become more of all those words. I want to be a better mommy for you. I want you to feel loved, cherished, adored, nurtured. I want you to know you are my everything. EVERYTHING. You three are the reason I breathe, the reason I do every thing I do. For you, I pray that you, my sweet lovies, will in turn become more like Jesus in all ways … gentle, kind, patient, loving, gracious, forgiving, wise. I fail every single day in how I model Jesus for you. That has to change.
From Jesus Calling:
"Know that your journey involves being transformed by the renewing of your mind."
Dear Jesus,
Please help me to be open to your ways, be wiling to discard my old ways and become more like you. Every single day. Help me to display your love, forgiveness, patience and graciousness as I display these towards my own children, and others. Help me to live in the spirit of love, not of anger or hatred.
Abolish any evil that resides in my house, Lord … send it away, in the name of Jesus. Open my heart, my mind to your ways. Help me lead my children towards you in all things. In Jesus name, Amen.
My babies. It is a new year. Today we begin a new adventure! And I can't wait to see what it holds for you beautiful tiny human beings. You have so much ahead of you, so much room to grow, so many adventures await.
On this day, we went to the American Girl Store to see the brand new Grace Thomas being revealed. Dani, you brought Isabelle and Finn you brought Charlie Brown. You each received an apron and we went on a scavenger hunt through the store. Danika you fell more in love with Kit and Mr. Finn, you only wanted to find a boy outfit for Charlie to wear. Max, you just looked adorable in your grey bear hat wrapped around your sweet little cheeks.
Today, I yelled. I got frustrated with crappy attitudes, yet I had one myself. I wasn't nurturing, gracious, gentle, kind or patient. Not a very good example for you. I pray, my babies, that this year i become more of all those words. I want to be a better mommy for you. I want you to feel loved, cherished, adored, nurtured. I want you to know you are my everything. EVERYTHING. You three are the reason I breathe, the reason I do every thing I do. For you, I pray that you, my sweet lovies, will in turn become more like Jesus in all ways … gentle, kind, patient, loving, gracious, forgiving, wise. I fail every single day in how I model Jesus for you. That has to change.
From Jesus Calling:
"Know that your journey involves being transformed by the renewing of your mind."
Dear Jesus,
Please help me to be open to your ways, be wiling to discard my old ways and become more like you. Every single day. Help me to display your love, forgiveness, patience and graciousness as I display these towards my own children, and others. Help me to live in the spirit of love, not of anger or hatred.
Abolish any evil that resides in my house, Lord … send it away, in the name of Jesus. Open my heart, my mind to your ways. Help me lead my children towards you in all things. In Jesus name, Amen.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Ready or Not, Kindergarten, Here She Comes!
My Danika,
Less than 6 short years ago, i held you in my arms for the first time. Your little yes, so full of trust, so willing to completely depend on me for your every need. The time has gone - we laughs, played, sang, dance partied, learned, shopped, giggled, tickled and so much more. You are my girl. You will always be my girl.
I have so much regret over the last 6 years. I complained too much, I wasn't present enough. I am addicted to my phone, my computer and didn't spend those days watching, playing, laughing enough. I expected you to be perfect, and what I didn't realize is .. that you were. That you are. You are perfect. Not in the human sense, but in the Godly sense ... that God made YOU perfect - just as He wants you. And my gosh, baby girl, I couldn't have done any better. And my gosh, baby girl, how I adore you.
I hope that one day when you are old enough to read and see these letters, I can be there. And I hope to God you forgive me for the yelling, for the anger, for the lack of attention I gave you. I hope, I hope, I hope and I pray pray pray that I can change and be a better mommy for you.
Because you deserve more than what I have given you soy ar. You make me so proud, Dani girl, and i hope one day you can say the same of me. I adore everything about you - your independence, your love for others, the kind/gentle heart you have, the empathy you show for others. Your ridiculousness and willingness to break out in a dance party with me at the mall. The list can go on and on, my love ... you are my heart - no matter what, I adore you and am so proud of who you are, what you've become, who you will be. 5 years ago when you turned 1, I boasted about how I couldn't WAIT to see who you'v become. 5 years later, and 5 years down the road, and even 5,10,15+ more - my heart bursts with pride over you.
Tomorrow you start kindergarten. This time last far I was so happy I didn't have to send you off to kindergarten. But here we are now. I am terrified. TERRIFIED. What if you love your teacher more than me? What if something awful happens to you? What if they don't challenge you enough, or push you hard enough, or TOO much? What if ? What if you don't make any friends? What if you make too many friends and get in trouble for talking :)
You are leaving my side, little love, and joining another teacher's hand for the first time in your little life. I am so excited for you. I know you will love it. You will be amazing and wow friends, teachers, coaches and so much more. I hope you love it. I hope you love to learn the way I love to learn. I hope you love your teachers and they love you back. I can't wait to hear how your day goes, I can't wait to be your friend when you can't seem to find any - because sometimes being a little girl stinks and can be lonely.
You are my heart. You are my love. You are my sunshine. And I can't wait to see you soar high to the sky with your success. I love. love. love you. more than any words could ever say. Even though it may seem like I don't, or that i'm angry all the time (because I am, and that's not your fault - ever). I love you to the end of the earth, the depths of the oceans, the stars in the sky.
The world is your oyster, my lovey. Do good. I love you forever .... Mommy <3
Less than 6 short years ago, i held you in my arms for the first time. Your little yes, so full of trust, so willing to completely depend on me for your every need. The time has gone - we laughs, played, sang, dance partied, learned, shopped, giggled, tickled and so much more. You are my girl. You will always be my girl.
I have so much regret over the last 6 years. I complained too much, I wasn't present enough. I am addicted to my phone, my computer and didn't spend those days watching, playing, laughing enough. I expected you to be perfect, and what I didn't realize is .. that you were. That you are. You are perfect. Not in the human sense, but in the Godly sense ... that God made YOU perfect - just as He wants you. And my gosh, baby girl, I couldn't have done any better. And my gosh, baby girl, how I adore you.
I hope that one day when you are old enough to read and see these letters, I can be there. And I hope to God you forgive me for the yelling, for the anger, for the lack of attention I gave you. I hope, I hope, I hope and I pray pray pray that I can change and be a better mommy for you.
Because you deserve more than what I have given you soy ar. You make me so proud, Dani girl, and i hope one day you can say the same of me. I adore everything about you - your independence, your love for others, the kind/gentle heart you have, the empathy you show for others. Your ridiculousness and willingness to break out in a dance party with me at the mall. The list can go on and on, my love ... you are my heart - no matter what, I adore you and am so proud of who you are, what you've become, who you will be. 5 years ago when you turned 1, I boasted about how I couldn't WAIT to see who you'v become. 5 years later, and 5 years down the road, and even 5,10,15+ more - my heart bursts with pride over you.
Tomorrow you start kindergarten. This time last far I was so happy I didn't have to send you off to kindergarten. But here we are now. I am terrified. TERRIFIED. What if you love your teacher more than me? What if something awful happens to you? What if they don't challenge you enough, or push you hard enough, or TOO much? What if ? What if you don't make any friends? What if you make too many friends and get in trouble for talking :)
You are leaving my side, little love, and joining another teacher's hand for the first time in your little life. I am so excited for you. I know you will love it. You will be amazing and wow friends, teachers, coaches and so much more. I hope you love it. I hope you love to learn the way I love to learn. I hope you love your teachers and they love you back. I can't wait to hear how your day goes, I can't wait to be your friend when you can't seem to find any - because sometimes being a little girl stinks and can be lonely.
You are my heart. You are my love. You are my sunshine. And I can't wait to see you soar high to the sky with your success. I love. love. love you. more than any words could ever say. Even though it may seem like I don't, or that i'm angry all the time (because I am, and that's not your fault - ever). I love you to the end of the earth, the depths of the oceans, the stars in the sky.
The world is your oyster, my lovey. Do good. I love you forever .... Mommy <3
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Forever
My sweet babies ...
This has been a really rough week for us - we've had many fights, many struggles, many tears for all 3 of us.
I had a fear tonight that God forbid anything should happen to me, that this is how you will remember us. I fear you will remember me as angry, tired, grouchy, grumpy, mean. When I yell at you, I see fear in your eyes and I hate it. I hate it. Because I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you, ever. ever ever ever. And I fear that that is what you will remember. A mommy ou are afraid of.
Finn, last night you woke up in a soaking wet bed, bawling. I felt for the first time in a long time, like a good mommy when I gave you a snack, and pulled you out of bed, loved on you, gave you clean sheets, a fresh diaper, and then kissed your Mcqueen-covered booboo on your toe. You gave me the best hugs and kisses! It was perfect. THAT is what i want you to remember - a mommy who loves and nurtures you. Your mommy, little finn, loves you more than life itself. You are my smile in my tears, my gentle reminder of just how sweet life is.
Danika I see your little eyes searching for acceptance from me. I hate that you doubt it. I want you to know every day of your little life that your mommy loves and adores everything about you, even your stubbornness, and strong will. You- my love - are the light of my life ... my sunshine, my rainbow, my smile.
My little Max, God forbid there be a day when I don't get to hold you. From day 1 I can feel just how special you are, and how incredibly blessed that you get to be a part of our family. I love you, so much, and can't wait to meet you.
My babies - I may not be able to show it in the right ways right now, but you are my my heart and soul, my smile, my tears, ym pride, my joy, my strength, my everything. I love you love fou love you and cannot ever show you just how much. I am yours forever and ever and ever.
Love mommy <3
This has been a really rough week for us - we've had many fights, many struggles, many tears for all 3 of us.
I had a fear tonight that God forbid anything should happen to me, that this is how you will remember us. I fear you will remember me as angry, tired, grouchy, grumpy, mean. When I yell at you, I see fear in your eyes and I hate it. I hate it. Because I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you, ever. ever ever ever. And I fear that that is what you will remember. A mommy ou are afraid of.
Finn, last night you woke up in a soaking wet bed, bawling. I felt for the first time in a long time, like a good mommy when I gave you a snack, and pulled you out of bed, loved on you, gave you clean sheets, a fresh diaper, and then kissed your Mcqueen-covered booboo on your toe. You gave me the best hugs and kisses! It was perfect. THAT is what i want you to remember - a mommy who loves and nurtures you. Your mommy, little finn, loves you more than life itself. You are my smile in my tears, my gentle reminder of just how sweet life is.
Danika I see your little eyes searching for acceptance from me. I hate that you doubt it. I want you to know every day of your little life that your mommy loves and adores everything about you, even your stubbornness, and strong will. You- my love - are the light of my life ... my sunshine, my rainbow, my smile.
My little Max, God forbid there be a day when I don't get to hold you. From day 1 I can feel just how special you are, and how incredibly blessed that you get to be a part of our family. I love you, so much, and can't wait to meet you.
My babies - I may not be able to show it in the right ways right now, but you are my my heart and soul, my smile, my tears, ym pride, my joy, my strength, my everything. I love you love fou love you and cannot ever show you just how much. I am yours forever and ever and ever.
Love mommy <3
Friday, April 12, 2013
Bumpity Bump
What a very special moment you, daddy and mommy shared tonight Danika!
I layer down in bed because Mr. Max was moving like crazy in my belly. You placed your hand on my belly and waited patiently. All of a sudden, a wave crossed my belly - Danika girl - your little eyes lit up like stars in the sky and sparkled with magic! It was the most precious moment! I wish I could've captured it on camera, video or simply stored your magic in a bottle for the rest of my life. So incredibly special. After he stopped moving, you read him Goodnight Moon for the first time.
You, my little love, are going to be an amazing big sister to Max and a big helper to mommy! I can't wait for you to love on him, hold him, kiss his little head <3 FInn, my sweet boy - your "awwwwwww, so cute" will melt my heart forever and ever! Im so proud of you both and can't wait to watch you grow into your new roles as Max's big sister and brother!
Love forever, Mama!
I layer down in bed because Mr. Max was moving like crazy in my belly. You placed your hand on my belly and waited patiently. All of a sudden, a wave crossed my belly - Danika girl - your little eyes lit up like stars in the sky and sparkled with magic! It was the most precious moment! I wish I could've captured it on camera, video or simply stored your magic in a bottle for the rest of my life. So incredibly special. After he stopped moving, you read him Goodnight Moon for the first time.
You, my little love, are going to be an amazing big sister to Max and a big helper to mommy! I can't wait for you to love on him, hold him, kiss his little head <3 FInn, my sweet boy - your "awwwwwww, so cute" will melt my heart forever and ever! Im so proud of you both and can't wait to watch you grow into your new roles as Max's big sister and brother!
Love forever, Mama!
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Failure
My Danika, Finn and Max ...
God can only tell you how much I love each one of you. My heart is hurting so badly right now. I look at you and all I can see is my failure. Please don't misunderstand - when I say failure, in no way do I mean YOU. I mean that I see how many missed opportunities I gave up ... you need so badly for me to be happy, energetic, fun, lively, silly. And I'm not. And I don't know why. It hurts my heart to think that your memory of me will be that of a grouchy, yelling mommy. I don't ever want you to believe that I don't love, or like you.
My Danika, your beautiful ballet twirls, leaps and bounds make my heart soar! You have such a zest for life! Your little giggle makes my heart smile inside, even though it might not show on my lips. Your quest and thirst for knowledge is just contagious <3 you have so many questions about the world, and I want so badly to be the one to find all the answers for you. You want to know why people are mean, unkind, hurtful - probably including your mommy :( I am so sorry that I am crushing your little spirit. It breaks my heart, even mores because I don't know how to stop it.
My Finn, oh my Finn. You sweet little boy. Your gentle loving heart soothes mine. Your two kisses and a hug can make any sad heart turn into a smile. I love your snuggles after nap time, when you're just waking up. Today you told me that we have matching brown eyes, something I don't think your sister has noticed yet. Your hugs and sensitivity makes my heart melt, as I hope this never goes away. I am getting more and more lenient with spankings and punishments for you and it breaks my heart because I know that is too extreme for you. I am ruining our relationship one day at a time and once again, i don't know how to stop it.
My Max ... oh sweet little boy who I have yet to meet ... how your little kicks and nudges make me smile! I sit for a few hours each night crocheting your blanket and can only imagine wrapping you up in it! Ihave to make a tough decision of whether or not to start zoloft again. I so desperately do not want to, and so desperately fear what might happen to you if I do. Oh dear God, please help me.
I love you three so incredibly much and I know that I fail you in showing you my love on a daily basis. You are my heart and soul, my living breath. I would move heaven and earth to do anything for you. I love you so, so, so much.
Forever, Your momma <3
God can only tell you how much I love each one of you. My heart is hurting so badly right now. I look at you and all I can see is my failure. Please don't misunderstand - when I say failure, in no way do I mean YOU. I mean that I see how many missed opportunities I gave up ... you need so badly for me to be happy, energetic, fun, lively, silly. And I'm not. And I don't know why. It hurts my heart to think that your memory of me will be that of a grouchy, yelling mommy. I don't ever want you to believe that I don't love, or like you.
My Danika, your beautiful ballet twirls, leaps and bounds make my heart soar! You have such a zest for life! Your little giggle makes my heart smile inside, even though it might not show on my lips. Your quest and thirst for knowledge is just contagious <3 you have so many questions about the world, and I want so badly to be the one to find all the answers for you. You want to know why people are mean, unkind, hurtful - probably including your mommy :( I am so sorry that I am crushing your little spirit. It breaks my heart, even mores because I don't know how to stop it.
My Finn, oh my Finn. You sweet little boy. Your gentle loving heart soothes mine. Your two kisses and a hug can make any sad heart turn into a smile. I love your snuggles after nap time, when you're just waking up. Today you told me that we have matching brown eyes, something I don't think your sister has noticed yet. Your hugs and sensitivity makes my heart melt, as I hope this never goes away. I am getting more and more lenient with spankings and punishments for you and it breaks my heart because I know that is too extreme for you. I am ruining our relationship one day at a time and once again, i don't know how to stop it.
My Max ... oh sweet little boy who I have yet to meet ... how your little kicks and nudges make me smile! I sit for a few hours each night crocheting your blanket and can only imagine wrapping you up in it! Ihave to make a tough decision of whether or not to start zoloft again. I so desperately do not want to, and so desperately fear what might happen to you if I do. Oh dear God, please help me.
I love you three so incredibly much and I know that I fail you in showing you my love on a daily basis. You are my heart and soul, my living breath. I would move heaven and earth to do anything for you. I love you so, so, so much.
Forever, Your momma <3
Friday, March 15, 2013
That Look :(
My Finn ,
Today was one of our first "bad" days and I am awake at 1:30am reeling in my own guilt. I screamed. ALL DAY. today. I spanked you. ALOT. My last straw was when you threw a piece of chalk. I grabbed your little face and I SCREAMED in it.
Oh Finn, the look on your face. The look of sadness, of disappointment in me and yourself. I will never forget your "ohhhh :*( " response. Oh how it broke my heart, because I broke yours. I don't EVER want to repeat that.
My Finn, you are the most kind hearted gentle little boy in the entire world, and I am destroying your little spirit. God, you have GOT to take this anger away - PLEASE! PLEEEEASE! I am begging you. I am destroying my kids, and my relationship with them. And Iam watching myself do it in slow motion. PLEASE take my anger away. Give me back my joy and peace. Help me to enjoy being a mother and treasure these sweet little faces and hearts. Help me to teach them how to love you. I cannot keep doing this to my kids and myself. I AM BEGGING YOU GOD! PLEASE! LISTEN AND HELP ME! PLEAAAASE!
Today was one of our first "bad" days and I am awake at 1:30am reeling in my own guilt. I screamed. ALL DAY. today. I spanked you. ALOT. My last straw was when you threw a piece of chalk. I grabbed your little face and I SCREAMED in it.
Oh Finn, the look on your face. The look of sadness, of disappointment in me and yourself. I will never forget your "ohhhh :*( " response. Oh how it broke my heart, because I broke yours. I don't EVER want to repeat that.
My Finn, you are the most kind hearted gentle little boy in the entire world, and I am destroying your little spirit. God, you have GOT to take this anger away - PLEASE! PLEEEEASE! I am begging you. I am destroying my kids, and my relationship with them. And Iam watching myself do it in slow motion. PLEASE take my anger away. Give me back my joy and peace. Help me to enjoy being a mother and treasure these sweet little faces and hearts. Help me to teach them how to love you. I cannot keep doing this to my kids and myself. I AM BEGGING YOU GOD! PLEASE! LISTEN AND HELP ME! PLEAAAASE!
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