My sweet babies ...
Oh my word, its 2:15 am and I'm wide awake and crying my eyes out. I had yet another nightmare. Tonight I dreamt that I had died. I dreamt that I had died and Jesus was walking me to heaven. But first, he took me to you. He let me see you, touch you, talk to you, hug you, kiss your sweet little face. You oculdnt see or hear me, or feel me. But I could you. It was the most excruciating moment, knowing I had to let you go forever.
In that moment, all I could do is regret every lost moment with you. I felt the regret of every angry word I had spoken, every mean word I ever said to you. I recounted the many times I had yelled at you, and seen your fallen face.
My danika and Finn ... please know this. You are perfect (not truly, as we know God is only perfect). but in my eyes, you are PERFECT. You are two amazingly beautiful wonderful little people with the most amazing hearts. You are kind, and funny, and gentle, and loving. You are thoughtful and silly, and generous. You two could not ever make a mommy more proud.
You HAVE to know that my anger is not caused by YOU. I am not angry with YOU. My anger is coming from somewhere deep deep deep inside, and you poor little people happen to get he brunt of it. I don't know hwy. You HAVE to know i'm trying to do better! you HAVE to know how much I deeply love you more than anything in the entire world. I am so proud of you, so proud of everything you will be, everything you have been. Im amazed at your strength and willingness to love and forgive me, despite my flaws.
Danika and Finn. When I felt like I was touching and seeing your face for the last time, my soul died a little bit. You are my every breath, my will to live, you are my joy, my laughter, my tears. You are my everything and I hope that you know that I will love you with every inch of my being for eternity.
Love you,
Mommy
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
Getting to Know You: 1
My sweet babies ...
Sometimes it is hard to let the people you love into your life. Life is so busy, that sometimes we simply forget to just sit down and talk. As your mommy, I am so blessed to watch you grow and develop into the person you will become. I get to watch your little quirks develop, and its such a treat! But you rarely get to see mine! I came across an idea of 30 topics to share with you.... the first journaling topic is to write 20 random facts about me. Here we go.
1. My right foot is slightly larger than my left.
2. I rarely use my left eye to see.
3. I love, love, love country music. Especially blue grass. That comes from Poppy's heritage.
4. I "ran" a marathon. But I walked for about 1/3-1/2 of it. And that was ok.
5. Three words. Black forest trifle.
6. I love to learn. I would love to be a forever student.
7. My first "airplane" ride was at 4 hours old, on my way for heart surgery.
8. I never excelled (or was even good in any definition) at sports, but I still loved to play.
9. I wanted to be a mommy my whole life. THough it may not seem like an amazing goal, I lived for the day when I could hold each of you in my arms, and watch you grow up.
10. Aunt Victoria had to teach me how to match my clothes in 4th grade. I never cared then, I rarely do now.
11. I loved ballet, but quit when my sisters started because I wanted to have something of my "own".
12. My favorite place to be is sipping on a cup of hot tea, reading a book in a bookstore. There is something incredibly powerful in being surrounded by written word.
13. Most of my life, as a military child, I was in the minority. Its ok to stand out in the crowd.
14. I won the spelling bee in 2nd grade. It was my proudest moment as a child.
15. I refused to let any male doctors touch me until I was 6. I was terrified of men.
16. One of my favorite places is on the farms/country of North Carolina. THere is something really special about that place.
17. I've lived on both shores of the Atlantic and Pacific Ocean. Ive tasted the sea water and felt the sand beneath my toes.
18. I didn't earn my driver's license until I was 21. I was terrified of being in control of a machine that could kill someone if I made a mistake.
19. I would like to publish a children's book one day. I've had that dream since I was less than 5.
20. I met Jesus when I was 17 years old. January 28, 2000. In the parking lot of my high school. My brother had a snowboard accident that left him with little chance for survival. I saw him before his MRI, hooked up to every wire possible. I felt the presence of God then. 2 days later, I sat in my friend (Lori Lester Brown) car and prayed for Jesus to come into my lfe. I didn't know what that meant then. But I felt an overwhelming dizzying feeling that truly left me breathless. Nothing radical in my life changed other than knowing that everything had changed, even though I didn't know what that would mean.
To be continued...
Sometimes it is hard to let the people you love into your life. Life is so busy, that sometimes we simply forget to just sit down and talk. As your mommy, I am so blessed to watch you grow and develop into the person you will become. I get to watch your little quirks develop, and its such a treat! But you rarely get to see mine! I came across an idea of 30 topics to share with you.... the first journaling topic is to write 20 random facts about me. Here we go.
1. My right foot is slightly larger than my left.
2. I rarely use my left eye to see.
3. I love, love, love country music. Especially blue grass. That comes from Poppy's heritage.
4. I "ran" a marathon. But I walked for about 1/3-1/2 of it. And that was ok.
5. Three words. Black forest trifle.
6. I love to learn. I would love to be a forever student.
7. My first "airplane" ride was at 4 hours old, on my way for heart surgery.
8. I never excelled (or was even good in any definition) at sports, but I still loved to play.
9. I wanted to be a mommy my whole life. THough it may not seem like an amazing goal, I lived for the day when I could hold each of you in my arms, and watch you grow up.
10. Aunt Victoria had to teach me how to match my clothes in 4th grade. I never cared then, I rarely do now.
11. I loved ballet, but quit when my sisters started because I wanted to have something of my "own".
12. My favorite place to be is sipping on a cup of hot tea, reading a book in a bookstore. There is something incredibly powerful in being surrounded by written word.
13. Most of my life, as a military child, I was in the minority. Its ok to stand out in the crowd.
14. I won the spelling bee in 2nd grade. It was my proudest moment as a child.
15. I refused to let any male doctors touch me until I was 6. I was terrified of men.
16. One of my favorite places is on the farms/country of North Carolina. THere is something really special about that place.
17. I've lived on both shores of the Atlantic and Pacific Ocean. Ive tasted the sea water and felt the sand beneath my toes.
18. I didn't earn my driver's license until I was 21. I was terrified of being in control of a machine that could kill someone if I made a mistake.
19. I would like to publish a children's book one day. I've had that dream since I was less than 5.
20. I met Jesus when I was 17 years old. January 28, 2000. In the parking lot of my high school. My brother had a snowboard accident that left him with little chance for survival. I saw him before his MRI, hooked up to every wire possible. I felt the presence of God then. 2 days later, I sat in my friend (Lori Lester Brown) car and prayed for Jesus to come into my lfe. I didn't know what that meant then. But I felt an overwhelming dizzying feeling that truly left me breathless. Nothing radical in my life changed other than knowing that everything had changed, even though I didn't know what that would mean.
To be continued...
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