Little Voices

Today, July 9, 2015 …  the reality of losing my littles has really been hitting me hard. Max, I bought the first items for your SECOND birthday! How did the time pass so quickly?

TOnight I came home from picking the kids up at VBS and little Max was woken up by Finn who walked in his room. He stood in his little crib, arms up saying "mommy, mommy, mommy". I left my brand new vitamix aside and scooped his little body up in my arms. How perfect it was. His little head resting on my shoulder, arms, tightly clinging around my neck. I cried. Oh how I cried. How many more times will I be so blessed to have those little arms clinging tightly to me. I didn't want to put him down, it could be the very last time he ever wants me so desperately. Oh sweet baby boy. Today you started saying "love you" back … except it sounds like a "wa hoo." So ridiculously sweet and innocent.  Other max'sms I want to remember? Poo daddy. <3 love, love, love poo daddy. Happy Moose. I am Moose! Mommy up! Mommy Up! Soon! Wa hoooo.

On the way to VBS this week, my sweet older kids. There was a conversation that went something like this :
Me: Finn what sport do you choose?
Finn: Baseball.
D: You don't want to do football like daddy?
FInn: No, I don't want to get hurt.
D: Getting hurt is manly. You're afraid to be a man?
Finn: No, I just don't want to get hurt like daddy. Remember falling and scraping your knee and elbow (July 4) ? I don't want to cry like you did.

Finn, you have the most enormous heart of any little boy I've ever met. Don't ever change, be exactly who you are. I know it might be lonely growing up - you inherited my personality, you poor thing. Stay true to who you are and you will persevere. You are my little fighter, and I love you so so much. From the moment you pulled through your pneumonia … you have been the warrior in our family. God bless you baby boy … I love you so much.

Danika, my love. You so desperately want to be "big". You try so hard to do big girl things and get so frustrated by the limitations - both that come with still being little, and the ones from me. You write little notes to me and pretend someone left them int he mailbox. I will forever and ever treasure those little slips of paper. The little drawings of you and me, and the small "I love you" hidden somewhere inside. You, my love, are a great kid. I love every last thing about you, even those that frustrate the crap out of me.

My sweet babies. I so desperately love you. And I fail so often at being great mom. I'm not perfect, I try hard. I'm sorry I don't know how to play. I know how to teach and sometimes put that on you to be perfect. And you are … each in your own little way. No, not like Jesus … but perfect the way Jesus made you. I love looking into your little faces and adoring the little person has created you to be. You are so perfect,so beautiful and so very, very loved.

With hugs and kisses forever, Mommy. <3 <3 <3

Calling Out

God.

I sit here tonight and I feel so close yet so far away. I feel like you are yelling at me, yet all I can hear is an echo. Where are you? Why can't I feel your presence? And why can I, yet I can't accept it?

Last night's bible study - was oh so powerful. about the 6 attributes of a heavenly father, what is needed to be a whole child of God. God. I need all of them. I need your affection, your nurturing and I need to accept all of you, and i need you to accept all of me. I need to meet with you, your training, your encouragement. God, I need your journey. Not only od I need it for me, I need to transmit that to my kids. I feel like a complete failure, both as a daughter of Christ, but also as a mother to my children.

As I sit here typing, I feel like all of this is just words. Just words. No actions. Nothing feels real, it feels like I'm going through the motions and it's lame. God. Help me to make this real.

God. I need you to fill my spirit with yours. I need love, humility, gentleness, nurturing and acceptance. God  please. Please. Please.

To and From

Tonight's Bible Study message has me marinating.

Dear God. Please help me turn to you and away from …

Yo've helped me come so far , I beg you … fill me with your spirit and help me to turn even more towards you. I beg you.

Help me turn towards forgiveness and away from grudge.
Help me turn towards love, away from hate.
towards gentleness, away from wrath/anger.
towards nurturing, away from obliviousness.
towards joy, away from anger. AWAY FROM ANGER.

God. You've done so ugh for me,help me coninue to grow.
I now am able to handle phone calls okay.
I now am able to refrain from hateful emails to Nate.
I now am able to greet nate with mellow instead of wrath.
Glory be to you, God.
Amen.

Today at he zoo , Finn carried a pocket of change with him. And occasionally would hand out a penny, or coin to another person. He wanted to bring them joy. He wanted to be selfless. How much I can learn from that kid. Funny thing: Almost no one took it. They gave him weird looks and refused. It hurt him. He didn't understand why people wouldn't accept his act of kindness. Lesson to ponder: Do i reject his acts of kindness? Or that of others? Do I act as selflessly as him? Do I encourage him to continue this amazing piece of his character?

He also chatted up a stranger kid wearing a ninja turtle shirt. And said "don't tell anyone, but I'm a jedi."I love that kid. It only takes a simple conversation to make someone's whole day.

Danka would walk, and occasionally hug me or Nate. She just craves that touch I just don't give it to her enough.

And my max… fell asleep so soundly on my back in there ergo. I love baby wearing <3 Love feeling his body feeling so comfortable and loved against mine. <3

The Sillies

What a week.

Danika, my girl. This week I said to you "You're adorable". Instead of smile your shy smile, you said "oh mom are you confusing me with max?". No, my love. You are adorable and I don't say it nearly enough. I love you, I adore you. You are my heart.

Finn? Today, silly guy … Poppy was visiting, and in the middle of his conversation you came downstairs with a tampon and asked "Mom? How does this go in your vagina"? HAHAHAH! Bless.

My Max. Today you were nursing as we lay on the bed, and daddy walked in, and layer down with us. You thought it was hilarious to get a mouth full of mommy milk, and then kiss daddy, dribbling a little into his mouth. SO FUNNY! Bless.

This weekend I spent my time sewing photography crafts, and Danika had her first day at girl scout camp. SO FUN! I loved driving you and Ashley up and hearing your conversation, about the things that were most important. My love - you talked about zombies. <3

Today I had my first newborn session in over a YEAR! A year! When I asked before, it was not the right time and i'm so glad. I've grown so much. God, you are so good to me. What did this teach me? Trust. When I'm frustrated nd not happy with what is going on … to trust that God knows what is best, and has a plan for the future. I wonder what a year from now will look like? God, please direct my steps.

I fear, every day, I'm going to loose one of you and you will not know my love, ym heart. My babies, you are my heart. Too often I treat you like a chore, when really, you are my center, the reason I do everything. I am so grateful to be your mommy. God please help me to love my babies more deeply, sincerely. Help me to show them my love and your love. Help me, Lord, to manage my time appropriately. To serve my family out of love. To be content with just sitting, and loving each other. Help me, lord, to make each child feel loved and adored. Help me direct my time and attention to what matters the most.

Thank you, Lord … thank you. Thank you for these kids. Thank you for this life. For my husband who loves when me when shouldn't. And forgiving me for not loving him when I should. Help me Lord, to create a home that loves and adores YOU … that is filled with your peace and love. I know tomorrow is going to be hectic and chaotic, help me to stay centered and focused on your love and peace.

Thank you for your plan - that you know what is best even when I'm begging for something different. Pleas ehlpe guide me to grow my business to a place where it contributes to my family's well being instead of begin a distraction from it.

Thank you lord for your everlasting patience with me. Help me to turn to you for all things. And gently steer me back when I wander away.

bless.

Snuggles

Today, My Finndozer …

Today you came down from your nap and you were cold and you asked for snuggles.

Can i tell you - snuggling with you sweet loves is the best part of my day. Dani, whether it starts with you in the morning, or bed tim snuggles at night. I love being close to you. I love to smell you, touch your skin, be close to you. I treasure those moments, although it's a pain to drag my butt upstairs each night. My loves, please know - you don't have to do great tthigns for your mommy to be proud of you and love oyu. Simply be you. Always.

Danigirl, tonight I watched you at gymnastics. You make me so proud. You are so strong, so determined. You pointed to a picture of competitive gymnasts and said "momma, i want to be like them. I want to be an olympian." I have no doubt, my love… you will do what you put your mind to. And I love that about you.

Thankful…
1) Thankful we can pay for your activities and enjoy watching you excel.
2) Thankful for those sweet snuggles, my cheek against yours.
3) Thankful for being the "best doctor ever" - I love taking care of you guys, even though I probablyact annoyed about it most of the time. I want so badly to be the mom in the article "Mommy, someone needs you".

Danika, Finn and Max...
I love you, always. <3 Mommy <3

You Wont Remember, But I Will

You won't remember the way I stood in the bathroom late that night in labor with you, fearfully and excitedly gazing up at the moon, knowing I was going to bring you into the world soon and whispering to you, "We can do this."

You won't remember the way you looked at me right after you were born, or the way I pulled you up next to my heart and marveled "Hi, baby" in your ear.

You won't remember the way you healed my broken spirit. The way you completed my heart. I was weak before I had you, and you made me whole again.

You won't remember the way I proudly watched you everywhere we went, you were always the most beautiful boy in the room to me.

You won't remember the way you made me laugh with all of the silly things you did. I saw how kind your heart was.

You won't remember the way I would brush the hair off of your forehead and the way you'd look up at me. Without any words, our souls could touch and say everything to each other that words couldn't.

You won't remember the tickle fests we had, and how I always cheated so I could hold you close and cover your salty little face in kisses.

You won't remember all the times I went to bed at night and felt such fear being your mother: Am I doing okay? Have I messed up too many times already? Can I be the kind of mother he needs?

You won't remember the way my heart broke and grew a little bigger each time you passed a milestone, watching the sand fall through the hourglass while feeling overjoyed witnessing you expand and grow.

You won't remember the way I would hold your little feet in my hands, imagining how much bigger than my own feet they will one day grow, and how I will have to let you go.

You won't remember, but I will... and I'll hold these memories in my heart for the both of us.

Weird. I love oyu.

My babies.

Today something really weird happened. Possibly a mini stroke? WHatever it was, it scared me. And I am scared to go to sleep at night. Tongith I took each of your faces in my hands and I said "I love you. Remember that." Please do. I know we have long, tough days. I know I could be a better mom in SO many ways. But I also know you are the breath of my life. You are my everything and I love you more than I could have ever imagined, more than anything in the history of ever. YOU are my I love you. Every single one of you. Don't ever forget that. Even when I'm mad, distracted, yelling, crying, whatever… I. LOVE. YOU. until eternity. There's nothing you could ever do that would keep me from loving you. Ever.

A couple kid-isms from this week:
Ha. I love this kid. Finn was putting his sweater on and asked "Why are there pictures on clothes" …. I said, because it reflects your style, or something you love. He responds with "Ok. Mom. I'm gonna make you a shirt. And I'm gonna put a picture of me on it. Because you love me. And that way you can hug me anytime you want." and THEN he says "And then I'm gonna make a shirt for me. But daddy goes on front because I love him more. You can be on the back." I still love him 

And this …